today

today was terrible at first, and then wonderful. (perhaps then, the best representation of my typical mothering day!)

so he's been teething, poor thing. points at his cheek and says "teeth", won't eat or even drink. i woke up this morning with a massive right boob, engorged and painful. i kept suggesting and offering him some, which he eventually did thank goodness.
but that, and the early morning full sunlight (drat it!) woke us both very early, 6am as opposed to 7 or 8. so we both were grumPY.

dandan started off the morning quite happily, but as DH prepared to leave for work, i slumped on the couch and described a bleakness (towards any possible other activity besides slumping on the couch, cos dandan will whine as soon as i move off for even a second, so why bother?).

then as mid morning approached, dandan got really crabby (as he got sleepy i now realise), whining and crying and having rages if something didn't come the second he asked for it. and i felt so completely unable to deal with it, such despair, such helplessness, such rage. i was overwhelmed by it.. i wanted to break him, to scream in his face, to smash great big things against the wall, to walk off and leave him sobbing til he vomited (which i actually did do; i went to bed while he followed me sobbing, wanting a book read on the couch instead).
so i put the tv on for him to watch, then fell on the couch and buried my face in a pillow and sobbed, great wrenching heaves. i looked up a few times to see if he was scared, but he was lost to tv. i thought about how funny a picture this was, and if it was repeated in living rooms across the world; a mother sobbing into a pillow while her child watched the teletubbies.

then he napped for an hour and a half, which made me realise he was tired earlier. i slept on the couch in the meantime, and as soon as he woke i whisked us off to the car to go to our lovely playgroup.
which was beautiful, a bit of paradise. sunshine, a circle of grass, playing beautiful children all together, happy gentle women, food and water (i was thirsty), chickens, watermelon seeds (i bought some for our garden).

later i dropped dan off at his grandmas, and went to buy blockout curtains. hopefully they work for tomorrow morning?! i can still see tree shadows in moonlight on the curtain....