I'm having lots of questions right now..
I guess i always have, but because times are a-changing so quickly (ie. he's jetting through toddlerhood issues), and because i haven't had the time to read-up ad nauseum on toddler parenting the way i did on baby-parenting (while pregnant and then holding a baby),
So i'm just flooded with questions about why? how come? why is he..? am i? how should i?
and like Lily, i'm looking for answers. (*ask clel about this)
Some of my current active questions:
(there're lots, mind; forgive my neuroticism. i don't really know why i'm publishing this.
But they run through my head constantly, causing me general unease and some distress.
I need a steady stream of answers; failing that, an exorcist)
- Why does he wake so often through the night, still?
Does he really want boobing, or does he just take it as i'm offering? Is there something else he really needs, like a chance to express some angst from the day?
Or does he just lack the ability to self-settle (this questions shits me up the wall, but what if it's true?)?
Or what if he's waking from hunger as he's not eaten hardly any food during the day (again, shits me, but could well be true as he sometimes sleeps better after my mum feeds him a meal)?
- Is he dodgily underweight? i can see the shadow of a ribcage. He's got a very slight torso, only a 17.5" waist.. and no rolls anywhere. But, he's about average height, and sometimes he has a fleshy under-chin. And, almost every asian toddler i meet/know is also very slight, plus we're not a race given to largesse. And he is definitely active and "happy".
- Why does he not eat food, or hardly more than a mere skerrick?
Is it cos i spoon fed him the first day i gave him solids at 6mo, and tried to a few more times after that? Is it cos i got a bit pushy with the spoon a few times back then? (a gentle but nonetheless nudging open of his lips with the spoon tip, before he knew any better).
Is it because he gets spoonfed at all? (cf Gill Rapley's BLW theory of spoonfeeding)
Is it cos i/we don't sit down to meals at table, nor have regular mealtimes?
And why is his grandmother (my mum) able to spoonfeed him a whole bowl of mushy porridge, but i could never dream of such a feat? Is it because i have the boobs? Or is it because of technique (she allows for the initial spit-out rejection, then goes back in after a minute. and sits him in front of tv, during, making use of his distracted out-of-body detachment)?
Also, my mum says it's because i "taught him to feed himself" ie holding food with his hands, or "letting him play with his food" eg with his fork or hands. I'm not even going to dignify this with a question mark.
Is it because he's breastfeeding so much? Should it be less, really? Other big boobing toddlers i know are a) bigger, and/or b) eating much more food. I'm so tempted sometimes to wean him just to see if he eats more, and regularly, then.
- Is he spending too much time away from me?
Could this, horror of horrors, be a reason for his superlative clinginess?????
(He always parts happily and calmly and waving sweetly, though upon return he shrieks with excitement and/or clamors for boob).
This is his weekly timetable of awayness (it's either dangerously unacceptable, or ridiculously as-it-should-be):
Mon - 7.45am to 5.15pm with my mum (9.5 hrs)
Tue - 3-6.30pm with my mum (3.5 hrs)
Wed - 3.30-7.30pm with DH's mum (4 hrs)
Thu - none or 2.5 hrs with my mum (0-2.5 hrs)
Fri - 11am to 7.30pm with DH's mum (8.5 hrs)
Sat and Sun - about 4 to 8 hours total (4-8 hrs).
= 30-36 hours weekly!
Oh god, it seems like so much!
But it still feels like a necessary level, for me. reduce it (as it did a few weeks back due to visiting relatives), and i start to literally fall off the edge.
Here's my justification (i run through this frequently, to myself. And in my head whenever people say how lucky i am to have the grandmas. Which i am!, But... read on):
- I'm still doing night-duty bigtime.
- He often sleeps very late giving me zero downtime in the evenings. We're out a lot during the day, so naps are on the fly, no downtime for me then either.
- When i am with him, it's 100% attention, as he chucks a fuss if i don't comply and come with him or stay right there. I can't do anything, no housework or computering, or barely even eat and dress myself, without a major whingey fuss. I can read, knit, tv, and sit and think (hence these overwrought blog posts). I definitely can't go to the shops. I can hang out with people, though, if i also get to be pulled away often by him.
- We go out a lot as he gets cabin fevery, which gives me an added tired level.
- Even when DH is home in the evenings, dandan still remains all "no-no daddy, want mummy only" then.
So the time away, i use to remain human..
(and this here, is a big one...):
- Why is he so sweet and easy-natured with his other carers, and more demanding and fussy with me?
god, is he ever FUSSY, with me. he'll ask for something, and start to whinge and cry that very second, even though i'm going and reaching to get it for him, and telling him so! This literally drives me off the edge....
By all recounts, he's not like this with his grandmas/daddy..
So, why is he like this?
Is it some magic mommy-factor (ie a good thing, because he feels emotionally safest with me)?
Or is it because I get internally angry and frustrated right away, and he picks up on that, whereas others remain emotionally controlled inside?
Or, is it because he needs something from me that i'm not giving? Like.... MORE time together? More emotional safety? (I usually try to.. as far as i know, i'm trying to do this?)
Or, should I provide more boundaries? Am i too permissive?
(I'm the most permissive of all his carers... i'm trying to find my stance on giving him boundaries and authority, as opposed to autonomy and respect. So, excepting safety issues, I'll let him explore and initiate any activity he wishes, and usually negotiate things I want to do / timing of our leaving somewhere).
This is one of DH's theories, that kids without clear authority and many boundaries, feel unsafe, and therefore are fussy and whiny. And will continually test and push (and test and push) to find those lines for themselves.
Is it so??
Surely there're good books on this? I have and have read through a few including Unconditional Parenting, but am probably due for a reread..
- And why so clingy???? Why?
Some have suggested it's the boobing factor... and that when that stops, so will the clinginess. how tempting..
But on the other hand, maybe without boob (and AP, in general), he would be even more clingy (and fussy). After all, DH and I were both exactly like him as toddlers, and DH wasn't breastfed at all (and I only to 4 months). This makes me cling to keep breastfeeding, as a natural and ideal aid to the regulating of a child's emotional turmoil..
But, goddamit. Most other children aren't this clingy, even the non-APed ones. it don't seem fair.
(Although, ok, voice of reason... Sometimes i'll seek out people with officially declared "high needs" children, and they were all like this in their toddlerhoods, and just grew out of it in time. So i maybe just have a high needs child, that's all).
i would love to be confident and assured, like so many amazing mummas i know.
Some have given me many reassurances in the past. But i can't help but think that sometimes, surely something is off here, and if they only knew the extent of things. But it's hard to get into that in a normal conversation..
So i long long long for more answers. I think i'm asking for help here...
See anything that might be problematic? (Apart from my overthinking and lack of confidence, i already know that =))
Any suggestions on what might help here?
silver linings and quilt tops
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There was a slight shift in my breathing this weekend, as I settled into a
few projects here at home. The first few weeks of this whole thing felt
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2 comments:
OK I have an opinion on each of your question, of course!! But I can't write them all know. Hmmm, I wish it was an interactive system, we could all just write our answers under each question!
A few choices ones:
Yes, you are doing the right thing.
He behaves better with them - read your most recent post on Asian culture for your answer. Why does he push your buttons? Because they are YOUR buttons ;)
He is clingly - yes, maybe because away from you a lot. Ohter option is untenable? Then, yes, nightly duties probably aren't going to peter out soon. Keep yourself sane.
Constant night boobing - see above. Plus it is a sleepy habit, no he can't self-settle, no toddler should. It's anti-evolution. One day you will be able to negotiate it with him, and it WILL work out.
And I know he is one boy at home alone, but he just seems lovely and NORMAL whenever he is out. No clingier than Lily, for sure. But at home - it isn't fair, but it is Dan.
Boundaries - what does your DH suggest? It isn't a dirty word, but exactly what is he talking about?
Why doesn't he eat? Because babies and toddlers are MEANT to predominantly drink mother's milk. Read Detwyller's stuff and feel a whole lot better about it.
Anyway, she is due to wake soon and I gotta get dinner ready before she neeeeeeds me to play outside with her when she wakes ;)
Go easy on yourself. Don't torture yourself. You can't know what his (or your) karmic reason is for this life, you can only go with what you are given :)
PS. Lily never did find the answers, only snot, which she ate. At least it was some form of sustenance :D
Since I am trailing behind you on this motherhood path, I'm not as experienced you about it all and of course every child is different, but I can definitely 100% agree that Indi is MUCH clingier when she is around me, than when I am nowhere to be seen. She will be happily playing for the longest time, but if she even catches a glimpse of me through a doorway, she is all whines and whinges and MUST be picked up by me or it's the end of the world. She is fine once I'm holding her, but yeah, sometimes it seems that we get the whingiest parts of our lovely angels. I dunno why. Maybe it's because they CAN express themselves with us, because we are so expressive and understanding and they feel so safe with us. Maybe it's because they just NEED to be close to us, just because. It is hard. And DanDan is not the only one. I remember my sister complainign of the same thing.
As for testing limits, I just watched the Alfie Kohn DVD, (he is awesome, so passionate!) and his take is that they are testing to see that you won't stop loving them or withdraw your love no matter what. Dunno if it applies to your situation, but yeah, I'm not sold on the whole 'boundaries' thing. There certainly needs to be some, but I don't think kids are asking for them, or testing us. But then, as I said earlier, I only have a 10 month old, so what do I know?
About eating, do the grandma's feed him different foods to you? Are they healthy foods that they are feeding? To do a scientific study (not really, but sorta) you could try to replicate the exact same foods (or better still, take home food they have cooked) and see if he takes it from you. I personally was never sold on the whole BLW thing, I feed Indi, mostly by hand (I will pop small morsels into her open mouth, sometimes I'm too slow and she will lean forward and take it in her mouth herself, or sometimes with a spoon, but she also feeds herself a lot too). If you are very worried about him not eating, maybe you could start trying to actively feed him individual mouthfuls? Then you can also test your theory/fear that he is waking due to hunger.
Huge hugs Jacynth. I agree with Clel, he does seem so joyful and normal when at playgroup, but clearly he is so much more demanding when you're at home. It must be hard! Don't feel guilty for wanting/needing to have some time to yourself to remain sane. You are actually an individual, with individual needs, and that's OK.
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