anger issues

any of my recent posts make it abundantly clear that i have big issues with anger.
i'm like a toddler, big emotions raging inside me, overwhelming and consuming, that i have no idea how to deal with.
i feel like i need a mother, who will hold me lovingly and say "you're very angry. that's anger you're feeling inside you, it's very big. you're disappointed and frustrated because ---. it's okay, you'll be okay, i'll show you how to get through this."

in fact, dandan has better emotional regulation than i do, except that mine are all (mostly) silent and kept inside.
the other day he spilt his bottle of bubble solution while we were outside with it. he looked a bit surprised, then splashed around in its puddle making surprised sounds. me? inside me, i was flinging myself on the ground having a full blown tantrum, consumed by rage and disappointment and frustration. i could actually hear screams and heartbroken sobs in my inner ear "it's gone, it's all gone! aaarrrghhhh! look what you've done! how could you do this, it's gone". i put my face in my hands briefly, and took a while to silently quake.

even before i became a mother, i've often had, when alone, massive tantrums to let a bit of my out-of-control emotions leak out.
once i was wrapping some christmas present, awkwardly shaped things, and very fragile wrapping paper. i ended up slowly and methodically but fiercely and intense-staringly tearing the entire roll up into small pieces and flinging them into the air until the whole room was littered with them. i later cleaned it all up and related it to DH when i was feeling better.

and once when i was a child, my sister broke my very favourite glass by accident, and in my heartbroken rage i threw the pieces at her. a neighbour came over to bring her to get stitches in her forehead, while i went to bed to sleep it off.

i dunno. where does it come from? i'm an emotional person, and i think that's fine, but somehow i never learnt how to process them when they come up. i don't even really logically know how other adults do it. obviously there are many like me with even less self-control, who throw phones at receptionists or assistants, who shoot other drivers in bad traffic, who hit their spouses, or their children. it's all worryingly close to the bone.. if i didn't love dandan with all my heart like i do, perhaps i would've hit him by now, or thrown him against a wall.

growing up, everyone in my family was angry. i remember lying in the dark in bed, and saying out loud "there is anger in the walls of our home". my dad was always raging and shouting and fighting and hitting. my mum was always silent and detached and escaping into tv. my sister was spiteful and self-righteous and judgemental.
and i had many loud passionate rages, all of which were studiously ignored by everyone. some of them were about big things, like "why don't you love me, how can you treat me like this?" to my detached mum.

anyway..
i might look into this, someone else recommended it and it seems interesting: www.k-state.edu/wwparent/courses/fireworks/ "FireWorks: a Wonderwise parent course on Anger Management".
or maybe see if i can get some bulkbilled sessions with a counsellor.

Today i just felt at such the end of something, my ability to cope. i said to dandan, quietly, "i'm not coping. i'm not coping. i'm not coping."