little happinesses

in no order, just leaping around the room:

***
the new nappies work, and work fantastically! i won't say what they are except that they're an all-in-one with a pocket opening to add more, and velcro up.
i left one on him literally from 9am to 8pm... because i am a bad mommy and also to see if it would work. well, it did, with no leaks or wicking, although his skin was damp where normally it'd be dry, and he had a bark chip inside from the playground.

i can't believe i've finally found what seems to be the perfect nappy.. after all this time, and only for $18 from an ebay store.
it goes on stupidly easy (as easy as a disposable, as people like to say), is no fuss to stuff/boost, fits comfortably and easily and well, and doesn't leak even potentially overnight.
if i were impulsive and irresponsible, i would buy a full stash of just these for the next few remaining months of nappy use, and chuck my million other assorted nappies into deep storage. but would i be that foolish a consumer?
only time will tell.


***
i had the most beautifulest day yesterday..
- a fun toddler music session (including laughing at a very un-alfie session leader who literally said to a baby "Good Looking at the carpet!"),
- a brief playground spell, (a brief sookiness at leaving the playground early, but let's not record that)
- a cafe-ing with lovely mama friends (and i do mean so lovely),
- a buying of 3 (3!!) tall and bushy and confident blueberry bushes (at a mere $11 each, which is a joy in itself)..
i have a good track record with blueberry bushes - as the one i put in 2 months ago is actually alive and even growing... this is how i know i should buy 3 more right away. and i lovelove blueberries. to me the appeal of a self-sufficient life is having a pigful of blueberries to live on, i imagine anyway.

and then, a long luxurious lovely lie around on a bench under olive trees in the empty ceres marketplace, while my boy talked to chickens (and a crowing rooster, and an asthmatic sheep), a whole 80m AWAY from me for easily 10 minutes at a time (as clel said today, i didn't even know what to do with myself).
it was a beautiful moment, and it made me feel/see that my life was beautiful beyond words.

i live in a very paradise. have i said that already? what could heaven be if not a world of sunshine, trees, chookies, loving friends, and baby kisses?

***
and i have holidays to look forward to...
there's a tassie camping trip on the cards, DH and I's first one ever post baby.
and another one with mama friends soon..
and in just a few weeks, a friend who works in tourism has organised a cheap deal at a fancy new resort in phillip island, lots of floating on a pool while the menfolk take the children golfing, i imagine. and we'll get in some lovely walks, i hope, maybe at churchill island or something (there's a farm there too?!).
and my favouritest beach of all time, a wild surf beach at the foot of rocky cliffs. my friend died there years ago, when a large group of us ran right into a rip tide when on a camping trip. it's an emotionally intense place for me, maybe hence my favourite place in all the world. when i sit there, i feel like i am at the beginning of the world, where life and time began. and i can feel something recharging my soul and core (ions?). there's something eternal about sitting alone beside a wild ocean.

zen report

currently; definitely experiencing a period of zen.

re: the last period of un-zen; it seems like i should've been able to take into account the fact that he was going through physical troubles*, instead of angsting and going crazy. btu i couldn't? even though i knew this was an unusual time for him and therefore a temporarily difficult period.

it just speaks to my limitations as a human being. but i'm glad it's passed for now.. let's see how i do for the next one if/when it comes.


*he definitely was! even looking through our photos... we went through a month and a half without sharing any of our photos, cos he was so troubled-looking in all of them. distant, internally preoccupied, kind of blue looking, while still going through all the motions of play. the poor boy.. what must have been happening inside his little body.

right now

i'm sucking on a baby bottle filled with ribena...
it's hard work! how does he do it? or rather, why, when there's sippy cups and poptop bottles aplenty...

i'm just testing it out.... i got dan some BPA-free bottles at the baby expo (where strangely there were no babies for sale at any price) for his grandma days, but mum says it was leaky and refused to use it...
i think the valve was just loose, cos it seems fine now. after i sent the company an angry email and everything.. oops.

***

i've become an irate customer! i do that quite often now.. like yesterday, tapping on the glass door of a closed bank, demanding my money back from the defunct ATM (i got it back, yay).

i used to be so civilised and docile as a consumer.. since i became a mother, i've become all angry lioness ("you owe me free postage on this gazelle!").
i think it's because i don't have time or space to care about what people think of me anymore; plus, my time and money seem to belong to my child, so i get really angry if businesses take them unfairly.

***
my mum.. grr.. i'm sure she deliberately refuses to try anything i want to implement for her time with dan..
she's put her foot down on cloth nappies, cos they sometimes leak (cos she'll only use the slim all-in-ones) and cos this brand we once used gave him a chafing leg rash (look for a soft leg casing, people), and i guess cos some of them take longer to put on (my favourite fitteds + liner + cover).
i got some new all-in-ones with a pocket for added boosting... no chance of her using them now, but perhaps andrew will use them. he's not opposed to them, just finds it easier to grab a sposie.

***

ooh, speaking of peeing.... i've been getting dan bare-bottomed when we're playing outside.. even on a cold day, with wool legwarmers and a fleecy jacket. and he pee-ed twice! i was so excited, dancing around and singing about weewee coming out from his peepee (surely the neighbours could hear me..). he seemed pretty absorbed by it, making an interested "ohh" sound and trying to step in the puddle.

andrew is seriously objecting to this semi-naked outdoors state... his objections range around "but he might get an infection", but they're so vehement that i think it must be about him as a male feeling indignity on his son's behalf.. the indignity of his peepee being exposed and vulnerable.
so, only when with me. and probably only around our own property, or a quiet park, or people who wouldn't get all silly about it.

***

we've discovered the sublime bliss of public transport! been taking the bus from the end of our street into the city, trains and trams all around... it seems like seriously, we could go absolutely anywhere we wanted to, without even thinking about the car (sometimes i get andrew to drive us back home from the bus stop in the evening, the last 400m of our journey seems impossibly long when it's almost dark).
i've even started looking at buses to bring us around the local suburban area, to libraries and shops etc. it's all there, and so easy! who would've thunk it.

it's amazing.. contrast with the angst of getting into the car, into the car seat, staying in the carseat while we drive... each one of these steps require a whole gutful of angst and waiting.. just to make the simplest of trips.
but there's nada stress and hassle with public transport. none! just one fun thing after another; a fun walk, a fun bus ride, a fun tram ride, more fun walking...

the first time, i did it with a massive pram.. i guess cos we were doing lots of walking that day. and an ergo for the getting on/off bits.
the second time, with a tiny umbrella stroller, and the ergo. the stroller turned out to be a great pain in the bum most of the time, and was handy only for one period where he sat quietly and ate a sushi while we walked..

i'm unsure about whether he would've done that if we were sitting somewhere together without the stroller.. (he goes into this zen glazed out state when he eats, and any opportunity to play or do something breaks that.. so he needs to be stuck in a seat or zoned out by tv, it seems?)

but the next time i'm going to just head out sans stroller, just me and the ergo and a very nifty backpack. i look all laden up, but i feel very light and mobile and carefree.
carefree! that's more than any mother can ask for

and we had such a beautiful day yesterday..

the children's farm with a friend (dan mostly played with 2 small birds and a red chair in an empty field which he'd led me to, despite being on a farm with oodles of animals and crazy kids. maybe he doesn't like big crowds either? maybe, despite being such a charmer and talker, he's actually also the introspective type? it seems so, right now.. he's always focused on tiny little private games, or off in his private world of silly fun, even when with other children), sitting on lovely grass in the lovely sunshine..

then a cafe with some other friends, with a play area for children. a bit vexing, being around really mainstream friends... they're always so stressed and harangued by naptimes, trying to get fussy babies to sleep in a pram, and moving from one discipline regime to another ("we tried the naughty step for a month. then smacking. then smacking with a chopstick, cos mummy's hands are for loving. but he still hits a lot.. he only hits mummy and daddy though, no one else, i wonder why.")

bloody hell. everything they say and do is absolutely riddled with stupidity and poorly-thought out concepts. they're not stupid people, but why do they do things that make no sense nor are based on any good evidence?
i always leave such encounters thinking - man.. i got to stop hanging out with these people. i'm so glad i have other friends.

anyway... then off to the riverside in the city. i bought him a sushi and me a vegie pastie, and a big issue magazine, then blissed out on the grass by the river..
i got to lie around and read while he ran around me singing and playing to himself and his invisible audience, and playing around and with trash (literally, like gelati paddles, and bottle tops. is this a bad thing?)

..boats going by (lots of singing "row, row" by dan), birdies galore (the manic seagull kind), people on bikes, lovers canoodling at a respectable distance away.. glittering water, beautiful buildings/skyline... and again, lovely sunshine, luscious grass.. being with a child is truly like living in a paradise.


it's funny, cos left to my own devices, i would keep heading to shopping centres and the internet... even though they bum me out.
but raising a child forces me daily to head to the beautiful outdoors, because i can see how nurturing that environment is to his mood and spirit and mind. and so i'm accidentally reaping for myself the benefits of something so plainly good, because i'll do it for my child, but not for myself. funny, eh?

raising a child IS the best form of therapy.

field observation

the Asian culture is very big on obedience, on appropriate behaviour.
So traditionally, children are expected to:
- be quiet and docile (unless they're boys, then a degree of liveliness is allowed),
- be very polite, with all the social niceties,
- not question or challenge, ever (the latter immediately warrants a direct slap in the face by parents, teachers, or an equivalent by your boss/authority figure),
- not be disruptive or noisy,
- work very hard at school and not to waste time on any frippery activity that doesn't translate to career stability later on.
- and not to display emotional outbursts at any age.
- and, to realise that the world, and life itself, is a fearful fearful place; where only the foolish do not develop and cherish fears, as they often come true.

The parenting methods are mostly disapproval, either a quiet one (especially if you're not actually the parent; projected towards those children and their negligent parents); or a throaty sound of warning. Also, scolding and nagging, and occasionally a loving and angry smacking (haha).
And lots of praise and guidance (ie being told exactly what to do, and continually assessed).

This is the old-school, of course, but generally, we're the first generation out of the ranks of this (ie we were raised this way, and are basically the first adults that might decide that we might want something different for our own children).

I also realise that as first/second generation migrants, we have the luxury of making these choices anyway where previous generations did not... so a quick aside of gratitude and recognition.

Still, not many of us make the leap. Most asian couples i know maintain these standards / parameters, changing only to remove (sometimes) physical (ie violent) forms of punishment, and toning down the fearful-factor a bit.
Certainly DH and i have hurled ourselves right out of the asian solar system.

I thought all this might be interesting to mention, because DH and i still live in the asian subculture, and we often get this vibe from members of my family, friends, and in public.
Which actually, might explain my barrage of uncertainty. I'm a pioneer! (well, really, in a way, i am actually); with travelmates who are more familiar with this way, but myself being new to this land.

we went to a singapore festival today at the sidney myer music bowl, and it was just interesting to observe a million (or whatever) young singaporeans in one place. a lot fo young children too, as a bonus.

for instance, every time a child lurched 2m from his parents (in a gigantic fenced field), a passerby would literally hurl forward with arms making straight barriers, out of genuine concern.
and every kid strapped into a pram firmly, even the ones who clearly could walk.
and just the orderliness.... no children running around, all quietly hovering around their parents' picnic mats.

anyway, we were with asian friends with toddlers, and on our way back DH and i observed that, sweet and quiet as they were, they just didn't have that sparkiness that dandan and other children have in their eyes..
the thing is that; we could see in their eyes a wary worriedness, even at the age of 1 and a bit, the constant questions there of "Is this alright, what i'm doing/how i'm being, now? What about now, is this alright?"

i just love than dandan's eyes had no trace of that. Sureness all the way baby, even if the thing he was sure about sometimes made me tired (like wanting mommy, or to feed her soup, or for boob again).

This is one of those things that makes us feel we're basically doing the right thing, a signpost on a overgrown track.

Q & help-for-A

I'm having lots of questions right now..
I guess i always have, but because times are a-changing so quickly (ie. he's jetting through toddlerhood issues), and because i haven't had the time to read-up ad nauseum on toddler parenting the way i did on baby-parenting (while pregnant and then holding a baby),
So i'm just flooded with questions about why? how come? why is he..? am i? how should i?
and like Lily, i'm looking for answers. (*ask clel about this)

Some of my current active questions:

(there're lots, mind; forgive my neuroticism. i don't really know why i'm publishing this.
But they run through my head constantly, causing me general unease and some distress.
I need a steady stream of answers; failing that, an exorcist)

- Why does he wake so often through the night, still?
Does he really want boobing, or does he just take it as i'm offering? Is there something else he really needs, like a chance to express some angst from the day?
Or does he just lack the ability to self-settle (this questions shits me up the wall, but what if it's true?)?
Or what if he's waking from hunger as he's not eaten hardly any food during the day (again, shits me, but could well be true as he sometimes sleeps better after my mum feeds him a meal)?

- Is he dodgily underweight? i can see the shadow of a ribcage. He's got a very slight torso, only a 17.5" waist.. and no rolls anywhere. But, he's about average height, and sometimes he has a fleshy under-chin. And, almost every asian toddler i meet/know is also very slight, plus we're not a race given to largesse. And he is definitely active and "happy".

- Why does he not eat food, or hardly more than a mere skerrick?
Is it cos i spoon fed him the first day i gave him solids at 6mo, and tried to a few more times after that? Is it cos i got a bit pushy with the spoon a few times back then? (a gentle but nonetheless nudging open of his lips with the spoon tip, before he knew any better).
Is it because he gets spoonfed at all? (cf Gill Rapley's BLW theory of spoonfeeding)
Is it cos i/we don't sit down to meals at table, nor have regular mealtimes?
And why is his grandmother (my mum) able to spoonfeed him a whole bowl of mushy porridge, but i could never dream of such a feat? Is it because i have the boobs? Or is it because of technique (she allows for the initial spit-out rejection, then goes back in after a minute. and sits him in front of tv, during, making use of his distracted out-of-body detachment)?
Also, my mum says it's because i "taught him to feed himself" ie holding food with his hands, or "letting him play with his food" eg with his fork or hands. I'm not even going to dignify this with a question mark.
Is it because he's breastfeeding so much? Should it be less, really? Other big boobing toddlers i know are a) bigger, and/or b) eating much more food. I'm so tempted sometimes to wean him just to see if he eats more, and regularly, then.

- Is he spending too much time away from me?
Could this, horror of horrors, be a reason for his superlative clinginess?????
(He always parts happily and calmly and waving sweetly, though upon return he shrieks with excitement and/or clamors for boob).
This is his weekly timetable of awayness (it's either dangerously unacceptable, or ridiculously as-it-should-be):
Mon - 7.45am to 5.15pm with my mum (9.5 hrs)
Tue - 3-6.30pm with my mum (3.5 hrs)
Wed - 3.30-7.30pm with DH's mum (4 hrs)
Thu - none or 2.5 hrs with my mum (0-2.5 hrs)
Fri - 11am to 7.30pm with DH's mum (8.5 hrs)
Sat and Sun - about 4 to 8 hours total (4-8 hrs).
= 30-36 hours weekly!
Oh god, it seems like so much!
But it still feels like a necessary level, for me. reduce it (as it did a few weeks back due to visiting relatives), and i start to literally fall off the edge.
Here's my justification (i run through this frequently, to myself. And in my head whenever people say how lucky i am to have the grandmas. Which i am!, But... read on):
- I'm still doing night-duty bigtime.
- He often sleeps very late giving me zero downtime in the evenings. We're out a lot during the day, so naps are on the fly, no downtime for me then either.
- When i am with him, it's 100% attention, as he chucks a fuss if i don't comply and come with him or stay right there. I can't do anything, no housework or computering, or barely even eat and dress myself, without a major whingey fuss. I can read, knit, tv, and sit and think (hence these overwrought blog posts). I definitely can't go to the shops. I can hang out with people, though, if i also get to be pulled away often by him.
- We go out a lot as he gets cabin fevery, which gives me an added tired level.
- Even when DH is home in the evenings, dandan still remains all "no-no daddy, want mummy only" then.
So the time away, i use to remain human..

(and this here, is a big one...):
- Why is he so sweet and easy-natured with his other carers, and more demanding and fussy with me?
god, is he ever FUSSY, with me. he'll ask for something, and start to whinge and cry that very second, even though i'm going and reaching to get it for him, and telling him so! This literally drives me off the edge....
By all recounts, he's not like this with his grandmas/daddy..

So, why is he like this?
Is it some magic mommy-factor (ie a good thing, because he feels emotionally safest with me)?
Or is it because I get internally angry and frustrated right away, and he picks up on that, whereas others remain emotionally controlled inside?
Or, is it because he needs something from me that i'm not giving? Like.... MORE time together? More emotional safety? (I usually try to.. as far as i know, i'm trying to do this?)

Or, should I provide more boundaries? Am i too permissive?
(I'm the most permissive of all his carers... i'm trying to find my stance on giving him boundaries and authority, as opposed to autonomy and respect. So, excepting safety issues, I'll let him explore and initiate any activity he wishes, and usually negotiate things I want to do / timing of our leaving somewhere).
This is one of DH's theories, that kids without clear authority and many boundaries, feel unsafe, and therefore are fussy and whiny. And will continually test and push (and test and push) to find those lines for themselves.
Is it so??
Surely there're good books on this? I have and have read through a few including Unconditional Parenting, but am probably due for a reread..

- And why so clingy???? Why?
Some have suggested it's the boobing factor... and that when that stops, so will the clinginess. how tempting..
But on the other hand, maybe without boob (and AP, in general), he would be even more clingy (and fussy). After all, DH and I were both exactly like him as toddlers, and DH wasn't breastfed at all (and I only to 4 months). This makes me cling to keep breastfeeding, as a natural and ideal aid to the regulating of a child's emotional turmoil..
But, goddamit. Most other children aren't this clingy, even the non-APed ones. it don't seem fair.
(Although, ok, voice of reason... Sometimes i'll seek out people with officially declared "high needs" children, and they were all like this in their toddlerhoods, and just grew out of it in time. So i maybe just have a high needs child, that's all).

i would love to be confident and assured, like so many amazing mummas i know.
Some have given me many reassurances in the past. But i can't help but think that sometimes, surely something is off here, and if they only knew the extent of things. But it's hard to get into that in a normal conversation..

So i long long long for more answers. I think i'm asking for help here...
See anything that might be problematic? (Apart from my overthinking and lack of confidence, i already know that =))
Any suggestions on what might help here?

about my blogging

i realise it's currently a big spate of whinges, sorry =)

although there's a lot in our lives now (as it has since dandan arrived) which is delightful and magical, almost daily;
and there's almost always everyday some pat-on-the-back observation / conclusion we can make about dandan in relation to other children/human beings that makes us feel sure that we're basically on the right parenting track;
i just tend not to get around to blogging about these things!

i blog to think out loud, or to vent, or sometimes to revel rapturously in some superlative moment (but mostly the former two..)
just as i did when diarying through my younger angst-filled years.

just to provide some context for the negativity =)

i get to have another baby!

no concrete plans yet, mind!

but, i just had this convo with DH a few hours ago.

i was telling him about meeting hayley today (loved it H!) and how a high needs child can grow into a manageable child and allow the family to have a second child..

and how, for me to have this option for the future, is a dear and cherished and important thing.. even maybe a sort of dream.

and he said "of course. i definitely want to have another child"; and i fell backwards in a startled surprise.

you see, i'd gotten the firm impression that he was "done at one", given the great costs and devastation that dandan's exacted in our lives (only to replace it with great wonderment and delight, of course, but still..), especially his having "lost his wife" as he often puts it.
and he'd often expressed concern that he didn't think we could cope... etc.

and it was a bit of a sticking point for me, in our relationship... i'd come to view him as a sort of killer of precious dreams, the wet blanket to my vision of crunchy mamahood ("but you need so much time alone?...", "but i want to live near the city..").

anyway, it was great... he explained that, yes, dandan is quite a challenge, but also that he's simply never met anyone as sparkly and amazing and special as dandan, and that he is such a surprise especially as he grows up.. to see his amazing personality emerging, and a real specialness...

of course, we're biased... but i reckon lots of people have pointed out his superlatives as well =).

and i need a thesaurus =)

so, yay, in maybe 6 years? (or 2, hopefully), dandan will have reached this whole new grownup level of not needing me as much and being much more regulated in his emotions etc.... and i can have me another BABY!

i hope it's a boy just as much as i hope it's a girl..

tonight dandan and i hung out with his dolly baby (called Baby), and i taught him how to soothe a crying baby (he can pat pat, hug, rock, put it to MY breast, poke it in the eye, and say "sleep, sshhh")

anger issues

any of my recent posts make it abundantly clear that i have big issues with anger.
i'm like a toddler, big emotions raging inside me, overwhelming and consuming, that i have no idea how to deal with.
i feel like i need a mother, who will hold me lovingly and say "you're very angry. that's anger you're feeling inside you, it's very big. you're disappointed and frustrated because ---. it's okay, you'll be okay, i'll show you how to get through this."

in fact, dandan has better emotional regulation than i do, except that mine are all (mostly) silent and kept inside.
the other day he spilt his bottle of bubble solution while we were outside with it. he looked a bit surprised, then splashed around in its puddle making surprised sounds. me? inside me, i was flinging myself on the ground having a full blown tantrum, consumed by rage and disappointment and frustration. i could actually hear screams and heartbroken sobs in my inner ear "it's gone, it's all gone! aaarrrghhhh! look what you've done! how could you do this, it's gone". i put my face in my hands briefly, and took a while to silently quake.

even before i became a mother, i've often had, when alone, massive tantrums to let a bit of my out-of-control emotions leak out.
once i was wrapping some christmas present, awkwardly shaped things, and very fragile wrapping paper. i ended up slowly and methodically but fiercely and intense-staringly tearing the entire roll up into small pieces and flinging them into the air until the whole room was littered with them. i later cleaned it all up and related it to DH when i was feeling better.

and once when i was a child, my sister broke my very favourite glass by accident, and in my heartbroken rage i threw the pieces at her. a neighbour came over to bring her to get stitches in her forehead, while i went to bed to sleep it off.

i dunno. where does it come from? i'm an emotional person, and i think that's fine, but somehow i never learnt how to process them when they come up. i don't even really logically know how other adults do it. obviously there are many like me with even less self-control, who throw phones at receptionists or assistants, who shoot other drivers in bad traffic, who hit their spouses, or their children. it's all worryingly close to the bone.. if i didn't love dandan with all my heart like i do, perhaps i would've hit him by now, or thrown him against a wall.

growing up, everyone in my family was angry. i remember lying in the dark in bed, and saying out loud "there is anger in the walls of our home". my dad was always raging and shouting and fighting and hitting. my mum was always silent and detached and escaping into tv. my sister was spiteful and self-righteous and judgemental.
and i had many loud passionate rages, all of which were studiously ignored by everyone. some of them were about big things, like "why don't you love me, how can you treat me like this?" to my detached mum.

anyway..
i might look into this, someone else recommended it and it seems interesting: www.k-state.edu/wwparent/courses/fireworks/ "FireWorks: a Wonderwise parent course on Anger Management".
or maybe see if i can get some bulkbilled sessions with a counsellor.

Today i just felt at such the end of something, my ability to cope. i said to dandan, quietly, "i'm not coping. i'm not coping. i'm not coping."

today

today was terrible at first, and then wonderful. (perhaps then, the best representation of my typical mothering day!)

so he's been teething, poor thing. points at his cheek and says "teeth", won't eat or even drink. i woke up this morning with a massive right boob, engorged and painful. i kept suggesting and offering him some, which he eventually did thank goodness.
but that, and the early morning full sunlight (drat it!) woke us both very early, 6am as opposed to 7 or 8. so we both were grumPY.

dandan started off the morning quite happily, but as DH prepared to leave for work, i slumped on the couch and described a bleakness (towards any possible other activity besides slumping on the couch, cos dandan will whine as soon as i move off for even a second, so why bother?).

then as mid morning approached, dandan got really crabby (as he got sleepy i now realise), whining and crying and having rages if something didn't come the second he asked for it. and i felt so completely unable to deal with it, such despair, such helplessness, such rage. i was overwhelmed by it.. i wanted to break him, to scream in his face, to smash great big things against the wall, to walk off and leave him sobbing til he vomited (which i actually did do; i went to bed while he followed me sobbing, wanting a book read on the couch instead).
so i put the tv on for him to watch, then fell on the couch and buried my face in a pillow and sobbed, great wrenching heaves. i looked up a few times to see if he was scared, but he was lost to tv. i thought about how funny a picture this was, and if it was repeated in living rooms across the world; a mother sobbing into a pillow while her child watched the teletubbies.

then he napped for an hour and a half, which made me realise he was tired earlier. i slept on the couch in the meantime, and as soon as he woke i whisked us off to the car to go to our lovely playgroup.
which was beautiful, a bit of paradise. sunshine, a circle of grass, playing beautiful children all together, happy gentle women, food and water (i was thirsty), chickens, watermelon seeds (i bought some for our garden).

later i dropped dan off at his grandmas, and went to buy blockout curtains. hopefully they work for tomorrow morning?! i can still see tree shadows in moonlight on the curtain....