if i were free

what sort of life WOULD you choose, if you had no history or baggage and were just who you are now and who you could be? if the only person you shaped your life and yourself for, was yourself? if you were free to do anything, no obligations, no fears, no judgements.

…

i *would* have tatts. my peacock over my arm. a hot air balloon somewhere (middle upper back?), vintage, of many colours, that lives above and beyond everything worldly.

a wardrobe full of colour and whimsy.

i would have a garden, rich and full of now-and-future-food, that can look after itself apart from my nurturing it every few days.

lots of time with my children, in the sunshine. around other mothers with big hearts and gentle open arms.

working together with other people, building something good together, significant even if small, and world-changing in its own way.

friends who really knew me, who i could come to with an open heart and find the same.

…and a heart that was free.

these fears bind me in every way and keep me from everything good.

dumped by new housemate. 12 hours after being dumped (properly, final-ly, this time) by my partner.

OUCH.

the latter because of my ridiculously pervasive self-hate. and also the resulting inability to engage with life fearlessly, or with my mind, apparently.

ironically, my self-loathing (and its associated fears and doubts) is currently more supported and affirmed than ever ever before. i feel abjectly a failure, intrinsically inadequate, and so on and so miserably forth.

anyway. the former probably for the best. while the kids were getting along and being a sunshiney part of D’s life, their mum, who i had thought was a conscious and considered parent, turned out to be a constant top-of-lungs yeller, hurling self-absorbed / hair-trigger impatient / controlling and disrespectful / shame-based put-downs, at full volume, almost constantly, in the (50%) time the kids are even around, day and night. it would’ve been awful for the baby to have come into this. even D said “even though it’s not about us, it still makes my heart sad”. beautiful little dear-heart boy.

it’s soo strange and ridiculous to me. she’s such an espouser of organic produce, ecofriendly products, natural birth, feminism, sexual equality and anti-discrimination. what’s the fucking point of buying wooden toys and organic food if you’re going to fill your child’s heart with fear and shame and humiliation and rejection all through the goddamned day? fucking hypocrite.

i may be a fish-finger serving, coles-shopping, plastic toy-buying nut, but i am so considered and conscious about D’s self-respect and heart. i cherish so much more the superlatively-many times a day we hug and kiss and explain and learn and gently-guide and overtly appreciate…

anyway, so, new house.

i’m searching through, and applying for both alone / housemate situations. places just for me and my children, vs plus another single mum with her child/ren for communal-esque living and playing.

i’ve started emailing with someone for the latter. and saw a whole bunch of places today for the former.

like this small apartment - 2nd floor, lovely views from the window over rooftops and merri creek. 1br. a communal landing outside the door, at the far end of the complex so is fairly quiet/semi private; could make a small play area there. a lovely large secluded garden at the back of the complex. can walk to merri creek. $210 a week.

hmm….

i don't really know what to do with this depression, or loneliness. it feels like it's something eating me up from the inside out. a shroud dropped over my head, my eyes, my body.

i'm trying things.. this new psychologist, maybe her or someone different. this counsellor i've seen twice already. getting out to do stuff that i might enjoy, and get me out of bed/my head at least, like this new african drumming class, glee club. making sure i make it to work and do enough to stay employed, eg being here today on a saturday to make up for the friday i spent in bed.

and generally on the lookout for new friends. although not having any friends to begin with makes meeting new people doubly difficult. plus there's the ongoing thing of being sure i'm too dull and introverted and low and messy for my company to be enjoyable.

will give it a go anyway.

i feel like the eeyore of the world. i always hated that creature.

looking for new homes is a bit bluemaking too. regardless of what i choose, private-garden or spanky-new or bit-more-space, it's still a place in which i have to sit alone feeling lost and sad and knowing that there's no one in the world effectively who cares about me and who can be there for me. a functional space lined with my bad decisions and damage-caused. a sarcophagus that i will adultly/responsibly seek out and budget for and look after.

being alone is hard. is it meant to be that way? is this something everyone has to deal with but which i've never previously had to?

or is the way i'm alone so unnatural to the human condition? without friend or family or partner or village, just a girl fully functional on the outside in this modern civilisation.

or is this question completely irrelevant?

i'm banging on all the walls of this prison, but not finding anything. how does someone who needs support find it when they have nothing to offer but this blue darkness?

i've been on the verge of tears all day, and fully in tears twice.
i'm not coping with parenting. dan's not coping with having a mother who is so often absent, and then who shouts at him.
i shouted at him, because he was continually whingeing and crying over something not happening fast enough on his computer game. and again, when he cried because he'd forgotten to carry out his usual check-driveway routine before he got into the car. and again, when he kept asking for his juice to be rewarmed again for the tenth time.
when i shout, he screams, covers his ears, and erupts into a gail of wailing tears, "too loud! i'm scared! i don't want you to be loud!".
i'm the worst person in the world. i don't deserve him, and he deserves so much more than this. i'm on the verge of knowing that he'd be better off without me - certainly he'd be better off with a normal person for a mother.

and then, i hug him, say sorry, cry together in arms, and then i tell him i have to go to work. he says "i don't want you to go, i like you so much" etc. and i die inside again.

how many times can you die inside before you're completely broken?
and the brokenness, guilt, anger, sadness, leads to more of the same, makes you walk on that edge that spills over into more shouting at your young son.

inside, i'm like a pane of safety glass that is already crazed with fault lines. everytime he goes into a bout of whingeing and crying over the trivialest thing, it's like a hammer and i literally crack and shatter inside.
today when he was crying in the car over not having carried out his driveway routine, i put my hands over my eyes and cried out "stop please just stop please stop please stop please stop please stop!", which made him cry even louder. i know how easy it would've been for me just to calmly rewalk him through his driveway routine, but inside me all there was, was a sobbing mess.

i'm not coping. i don't know what to do. i feel completely broken, and heartbroken.

dandan wants people...

the poor love... he's been saying this a lot recently, sadly asking for people.

recently it was our o/s guests that he became so attached to (even from when we were in singapore, and saw them daily). while they were still here, on nights where they had to go out without us, he would sob and say to me pleadingly "i want uncle ronald..".

thankfully, since they've left (and we keep reenacting our farewells and the fact of their plane ride and now being in singapore), he's not sadly asked for them.. just mentioned them daily at various random moments, named them one by one.

and today, while we were trampolining in the front garden, he saw a little boy alight from a car along the street. he urgently asked me to help him get down, then he ran to the pavement calling "boy! boy!". but he was too late.. the boy and his grandma had walked into their house, and were gone. i can still see dandan standing there holding the stem of our standard rose, peering out sadly, then pleading with me almost crying "i want boy, mummy, i want boy!...."

THEN, tonight we go to a family dinner at my mum's, and have a great time; lots of older cousins playing great games with him, lots of aunts looking longingly at him and hoping for kisses (at several moments, he randomly appoints one person from the group to be the beneficiary of a hug/kiss... often not the person most wanting it, interestingly).
we leave happily and normally, but on the drive home he cries out again sadly "people! mummy, i want people!..."

i guess it's about dealing with endings and leavings... but my heart breaks for his little one.
i even consider whether i should have another baby just to give him a sibling..

instead, i resolve to bring him to many more regular playgroups..
(there're just so many dodgy ones to avoid, though, in terms of how the adults treat/approach the children; or in the effects that even brief companionship of some children can have on him, perhaps having been parented a certain way)

off to look at our weekly calendar..

everything's turning around..

today felt like such a key point in our lives...

it's the first weekend since our o/s guests left, and we just stayed in and rehauled the living room; moved around the furniture for a completely new layout (more spacious and open plan-y) (and, i now surf the net on my couch!!).

and i wrapped up a couple of things that i'm posting to new homes (including a pram that i sold for more than i bought it for, wow)

and, i made a whole paella! it's almost done now.. chicken chorizo paella (sans saffron :( ). lots of chorizo...

but, here's the key - dandan was with us THE WHOLE TIME. i actually got all this done with him here in the very midst of us! stunning, huh?
we've always had to send him away before, in order to get the slightest thing accomplished.. but now, he's here amongst it all, happy and involved in his various games, letting us actually work while he plays around us! he even helps, the darling one.
it's so as life should be..

i've noticed this new turn of things recently. i even have been bringing him shopping, groceries and trawling several shops even, with a high degree of success and enjoyment.

and he's so sweet in the car now, mostly going into his carseat perfectly happily.. some of the things he does while we're driving is:
- drawing / whiteboard and marker, musical objects, stickers;
- just sings softly to himself
- dances to the music playing (and looks embarrassed when he catches me looking at him and smiling);
- looks out the window (we moved his seat next to the window, maybe that helped things?);
- talks to me about things (super cuuute);
- sing together with me (we have this game where he presents me with lyrics to make into a song; he's also starting to make up his own songs now too).

and last week i just WALKED OFF AND TOOK A SHOWER without announcing it to anyone, as he was hanging around with andrew; didn't make sure A would be alright, didn't warn dandan.... and i had my whole shower without anyone coming to find me. i just went and took a shower. just like that.

i feel like i've been released from some inhuman constraint.. and i'm so glad. i've always felt so bad and conflicted, having to send him away from me and missing him the whole time, while i shopped/cleaned/slept/bathed.

so we're finally starting to live life properly. like human beings. no longer simply surviving like wild animals, but actually making and maintaining a nicer life..

along that trend, a significant development. last week (we were on our way to meet our guests for dinner in town), andrew finally spoke up about our relationship. after probably a year and a half of relationship shutdown and zero relationship-talk, finally, the subject broached. just on the heels of a fortnight ago, where i'd started googling for divorce / asset division / custody information after a short tense and bitter fight..

it was very brief. but we established that we thought an effort was worthwhile, that we weren't at the giving-up stage yet, and that we should talk about our relationship.

since then we haven't had a chance to talk yet.. i still feel unwilling / unable to be emotionally vulnerable after this bitter and cold year, i just don't trust him that way right now, anymore.
plus, when do people talk, when there's a child around?
when he's with us?, in the car or playing or watching tv? after he sleeps? (he's been sleeping at 10-11 recently, i think it's time to try to drop his single nap). when driving to/from work? i've been trying to find a time for us to talk, but just don't see a place where it fits.

anyway.. it's a good development. i think just us both knowing the other still wants a real relationship, is a big thing in itself and a start.

hmm, SCHOOL

i actually found myself maybe signing dan up for kindergarten!

i ordinarily would be full tilt against it, and love the whole natural learning / radical unschooling thing. but i think this place may be pretty special..

it starts next year, two 2.5 hour sessions a week, which i'll join in with until dan's happy for me to leave. i'm ready for that..

as to the why, well, no matter how cool my home/unschooling plan, i'm starting to accept that i just want/need a certain amount of time away from parenting, provided he's not being compromised at the time.
(of course arguably he might be subject to a certain amount of compromise when with his grandmothers.. but that's also another story which centres around wanting him to have a strong connection with them)

and yes maybe i also just needed somewhere for dan to attend twice a week to get my mum off my back about kinder waiting lists.

so i toured it yesterday and spoke to a kinder teacher and a support staff person, and they just gave all the right answers. plus the kids looked happy and calm and absorbed in their various activities..

here're some of the right "answers" -

- the only schedule through the day is an overall one of: inside vs outside time, lunch time, nap time.
other than that, the teachers determine the activities for the day based on what the children are showing interest in at that moment.. so the day's activities are moment-to-moment guided by the children's interests.

- nothing is compulsory - if a child doesn't want to participate in the group's activities, but want to be off on their own or do their own thing, that is supported (even in her own words: "if they're absorbed in a project of their own, we would definitely value that over joining the group").
the child is only invited and encouraged from time to time to rejoin the group, but otherwise nothing coercive or negative is expressed, and they're perfectly happy for him to spend all day doing his own thing in any of the various spaces (even if he wanted to be indoors while everyone was outdoors).

- there is no "NO", in regards to undesirable behaviour, only a positive instructioning on how one should act, instead of what one shouldn't do (eg chairs are for sitting; we touch each other gently; we use our indoor voices here; etc).
and even gentle "stop"s are used sparingly, and never used in a chain, because of the negative impact that has on the child; instead the child is redirected towards another activity or space in a situation where a chain of stops is starting to become necessary.

- i asked what their approach is on praise and affirmation, and in her 5 minutes of talking there was no "good boy/girl"; she spoke of inviting the child to think about the specialness of what they had done/made (eg "how do you feel about xyz"); and her examples of praise were very "I" based ("I like the colours you've used").

- there is no formal teaching of alphabets and numbers (charts, chanting, exercise sheets? ugh); instead, only games and songs of which letters and numbers are a part.

- parents/grandparents etc are welcome to be there, in fact one parent is rostered to participate in every session, more are welcome at any time.

- they try to have as much outdoor time as possible, cos kids just love it / need it.

some other things i saw that i liked:

- the continuity between indoor/outdoor spaces: heaps of window walls, big sliding entryway to outside, so you can always see trees/sky etc, and the outside is always right there.

- there was a child without a hat, outside, despite it being a hot day - clearly this is not in itself a good thing, but it shows that they're not absolute dictators about the rules. i would, conversely, hate to see a child sitting on a bench under the shade because he'd forgotten his hat that day, while everyone else played, even if it's good sun policy.

- no shouting teachers, no string of called out instructions and cautions, no pushy over-involvement.
(none of: "michael! stop that! kayla, be careful! jack, stay where i can see you!")
in fact i heard very little; teachers all spoke in normal calm voices, all hanging around the children companionably and non-intrusively.

- that the children seemed to have the right proportion of invested energy; often children i've observed in other places or playgrounds seem to have an excess of undirected energy; or conversely too much might be being asked of them or too much stimulation imposed; i like to see quiet absorption / purposeful noise, and a calm purposeful vibe in general.

- no gold star charts (!!) or the like.

- this is maybe a reggio thing, but there's little "reports" written up and hung outside for parents, where they talk about what they explored that day, the observations of the children about their latest object of interest (eg a lizard)

- and of course, tons of cool stations that dan couldn't wait to get into (and in fact did, right away); the cool outdoor play stuff, and inside lots of colouring/art, books, dollhouses.. i had to drag him away!

and of course, being around all the other children, which he just lives for.