i don't really know what to do with this depression, or loneliness. it feels like it's something eating me up from the inside out. a shroud dropped over my head, my eyes, my body.

i'm trying things.. this new psychologist, maybe her or someone different. this counsellor i've seen twice already. getting out to do stuff that i might enjoy, and get me out of bed/my head at least, like this new african drumming class, glee club. making sure i make it to work and do enough to stay employed, eg being here today on a saturday to make up for the friday i spent in bed.

and generally on the lookout for new friends. although not having any friends to begin with makes meeting new people doubly difficult. plus there's the ongoing thing of being sure i'm too dull and introverted and low and messy for my company to be enjoyable.

will give it a go anyway.

i feel like the eeyore of the world. i always hated that creature.

looking for new homes is a bit bluemaking too. regardless of what i choose, private-garden or spanky-new or bit-more-space, it's still a place in which i have to sit alone feeling lost and sad and knowing that there's no one in the world effectively who cares about me and who can be there for me. a functional space lined with my bad decisions and damage-caused. a sarcophagus that i will adultly/responsibly seek out and budget for and look after.

being alone is hard. is it meant to be that way? is this something everyone has to deal with but which i've never previously had to?

or is the way i'm alone so unnatural to the human condition? without friend or family or partner or village, just a girl fully functional on the outside in this modern civilisation.

or is this question completely irrelevant?

i'm banging on all the walls of this prison, but not finding anything. how does someone who needs support find it when they have nothing to offer but this blue darkness?