everything's turning around..

today felt like such a key point in our lives...

it's the first weekend since our o/s guests left, and we just stayed in and rehauled the living room; moved around the furniture for a completely new layout (more spacious and open plan-y) (and, i now surf the net on my couch!!).

and i wrapped up a couple of things that i'm posting to new homes (including a pram that i sold for more than i bought it for, wow)

and, i made a whole paella! it's almost done now.. chicken chorizo paella (sans saffron :( ). lots of chorizo...

but, here's the key - dandan was with us THE WHOLE TIME. i actually got all this done with him here in the very midst of us! stunning, huh?
we've always had to send him away before, in order to get the slightest thing accomplished.. but now, he's here amongst it all, happy and involved in his various games, letting us actually work while he plays around us! he even helps, the darling one.
it's so as life should be..

i've noticed this new turn of things recently. i even have been bringing him shopping, groceries and trawling several shops even, with a high degree of success and enjoyment.

and he's so sweet in the car now, mostly going into his carseat perfectly happily.. some of the things he does while we're driving is:
- drawing / whiteboard and marker, musical objects, stickers;
- just sings softly to himself
- dances to the music playing (and looks embarrassed when he catches me looking at him and smiling);
- looks out the window (we moved his seat next to the window, maybe that helped things?);
- talks to me about things (super cuuute);
- sing together with me (we have this game where he presents me with lyrics to make into a song; he's also starting to make up his own songs now too).

and last week i just WALKED OFF AND TOOK A SHOWER without announcing it to anyone, as he was hanging around with andrew; didn't make sure A would be alright, didn't warn dandan.... and i had my whole shower without anyone coming to find me. i just went and took a shower. just like that.

i feel like i've been released from some inhuman constraint.. and i'm so glad. i've always felt so bad and conflicted, having to send him away from me and missing him the whole time, while i shopped/cleaned/slept/bathed.

so we're finally starting to live life properly. like human beings. no longer simply surviving like wild animals, but actually making and maintaining a nicer life..

along that trend, a significant development. last week (we were on our way to meet our guests for dinner in town), andrew finally spoke up about our relationship. after probably a year and a half of relationship shutdown and zero relationship-talk, finally, the subject broached. just on the heels of a fortnight ago, where i'd started googling for divorce / asset division / custody information after a short tense and bitter fight..

it was very brief. but we established that we thought an effort was worthwhile, that we weren't at the giving-up stage yet, and that we should talk about our relationship.

since then we haven't had a chance to talk yet.. i still feel unwilling / unable to be emotionally vulnerable after this bitter and cold year, i just don't trust him that way right now, anymore.
plus, when do people talk, when there's a child around?
when he's with us?, in the car or playing or watching tv? after he sleeps? (he's been sleeping at 10-11 recently, i think it's time to try to drop his single nap). when driving to/from work? i've been trying to find a time for us to talk, but just don't see a place where it fits.

anyway.. it's a good development. i think just us both knowing the other still wants a real relationship, is a big thing in itself and a start.