it's 2am, i'm up... so i'll blog, why not

i would, more often, if i felt i could post all sorts of random crap and one-liners. but i figure if i can't be bothered going through the signing in to post it, then it's probably not even worth someone else reading it.

anyway...

today's beautiful moment..
dandan and i on the trampoline. we fall over, we look at the sky, we kick our legs in the air, he inquires about the clouds. it's an amazing view, from that very exact spot on our trampoline. the sky is always much bluer from there, the clouds ridiculously fluffier and white, the leaves and branches from my lovely tree forming a perfect edge to that picture.
he's finally learnt the joys of lying back and looking up. i had to push him over a few times and make lots of "oooh, beauuutiful sky" sounds to get us here today.

then he put on my red shoes, and ran around the trampoline in wobbly exultant circles. super cute, i laughed so much. i wonder if as an adult, he'll probably always associate a strange joyous mirth with cross dressing, and wonder where that came from.
i don't know that it would be such a bad thing if he were to grow up a cross dresser? i'm sure his dad would have other thoughts on this.

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and we have blueberries! i netted them and am leaving them on to increase in sweetness. what a bounty!

and my no-not-dead-after-all report is really taking off, to my great astonishment. i almost feel like bacchus or some other god of growing abundance, or like nalin. maybe it's cos i started the charlie carp, on her good advice..

The No-Not-Dead-After-All report :
- a potted blueberry which i let dry out and die, all brown and crispy - when i sat it in a dish of water and cut all the dead bits off, has completely revived and thrived, all bushy and green, new branches and all!
- some potted roses (yay for reservoir self-watering pots), were so dead that i took all the excess soil out for something else. i had left the rootball soil intact just-in-case - and it paid off, cos it's a full rosebush again, with actual roses and everything! and i didn't do anything... the wonder of it all.
- gladioli which i actually bought and tenderly planted the bulbs of; had yielded nothing except some weak stems, not to speak of flowers. that was over a year ago, and one had even flopped over onto the footpath and was constantly nagging at us with its "i'm SO dead, pull me up, you're always stepping on my corpse anyway, you're such a failure".
well i never got around to pulling that up, and wonders of wonders, it's perked up again so miraculously, it's like popeye and his spinach pump. AND, some of them are flowering, full multi level spears of blue gladioli flowers! i'm gobsmacked.

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on the flip side,
you're right, clel, i was assenting as soon as i read your comment, but didn't really know how to express a suitable reaction.
and what do i do about it anyway?

i don't know who i am, i don't know how to answer those perpetually nagging unrest questions. i feel like i'm perpetually seeking an identity, which sucks as i fall across so many different types.
i have eco values and thoughts, but i'm also a rabid consumer. i'm AP, but i have too many prams. i'm AP, but i leave my child to work in an office. i believe in wholefoods and raw foods in theory, but i eat crap. i feel strongly against vaxing my child, but i feel like i'm sitting on the brink of rushing out in a few months and getting him vaxed for everything anyway. i love parklands and trees, and i love the city streets. i have feminist values and ideals, but i don't know how to fit any of that into my actual relationship.

and while i work that out (what do i actually believe? what do i actually choose for myself?), i wonder about how i'm connecting with people and whether this has much to do with it.

i've always wondered a lot about how i'm connecting with people. it's being so introverted, combined with not having a strong value or sense of self/identity.
i was going to say that it's a tricky combination, but i guess whether extrovert or introvert, any person needs to be grounded from a place where they know who they are and what their value is, internally..
i really feel that need greatly, and can feel how unhinged and insecure i am (or any person would be) without that.

since a child, i've always craved external feedback, people telling me who i was, what i was like, and what value they perceived in me.
(a more emotionally complex version of "good girl" i suppose!)
i craved it, sought it.. and actually, got it a lot, even when not sought.
i was fantabulous in school without ever trying (in fact i worked very hard at not trying, because my value was in being naturally high achieving without working at all. which is how i bombed so dramatically at uni, you don't get very far there without working. i'm pretty sure alfie and his like talk about how praise sets you up for a greater fear of failure.. i lived that).
and friends, people i cared about, people i admired, have in the past all spoken of me glowingly. people have loved me, liked me, thought i was amazing.
and whevenever they did, i could feel a little something inside me relax and smile and go "ahhhh".. like receiving a fix of some drug.
but like an addict, that high would only last a short while, and i would soon be left feeling as hungry and empty and shaky as i ever was.

(it's very interesting too, as a side note, how i then married someone who accepts and loves me just as i am, but who never notices or mentions or displays any appreciativeness of my slightest attribute or feature or person).

i desperately need to develop, at my core, and by myself, a strong sureness of - this is who i am, and this is why i'm fantastic.

it's interesting that this is all resurfacing now... for the first time in my life, i had a real holiday from these demons, in the way of motherhood. every question was answered resoundingly by my motherhood of my baby, every need was slaked and filled. i guess i always knew it was temporary, so i'm not disappointed... just glad to have had that time of quiet.
and while i'm still suffused with joy of my child and still sure of what kind of mother i essentially am, i still am faced with the task of coming to love myself.