some zodiacal mirror gazing

I'm a goat sign, earth goat to be exact.
i'm constantly going "uhuh, yep, yep that" as i read.. it's all so true!

Personality
Occupying the 8th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Goat (or Sheep) symbolizes such character traits as creativity, intelligence, dependability, and calmness. Comfortable being alone to ponder the workings of their inner minds, Goats enjoy being part of a group, but prefer the sidelines rather than the center. Their nurturing personality makes Goats excellent care-givers. They’re quite and reserved because they spend much time absorbed in their thoughts.

Home and alone is where Goats feel most comfortable. There they can express themselves artistically, whether it’s by painting, cooking or participating in whatever artistic endeavors they enjoy. Goats prefer the couch because there they can relax and explore their minds. They don’t need elaborate furnishings; only items reflecting their desire for art.

When traveling or seeking entertainment, Goats prefer groups or venues that hold many people. Goats spend money on fashions that give them a first class appearance. Although Goats enjoy spending money on the finer things in life, they are not snobbish.

Health
Perhaps because Goats are basically serene, they tend to have fewer health problems. Their fragile exterior hides the fact they’re typically very healthy. When they’re happy, they’re healthy. When Goats become unhappy, especially as a result of romance, they quickly become sick.

Relationships
Goats tend to be private, so it can take effort to get to know one. The Goat is the one who will decide when and with whom it will share its personal life. As a result, most Goats have few “close” friends, yet they’ll work hard for those they love.
Career

Goats at work prefer being part of a flock. Power and status aren’t important. Goats will only assume leadership roles when asked directly, they’ll never volunteer. Good career choices for Goats include: florist, interior designer, daycare teacher, pediatrician, actor, editor, hair stylist, illustrator, musician, and art history teacher.

Stable with feet firmly planted in the ground, Earth Goats are conservative, independent and practical, but not very confident in themselves. Most important in life is the family and they truly enjoy all that life has to offer.

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and this is dandan. we'll wait and see i suppose, without predisposing

Personality
Occupying the 11th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Dog symbolizes character traits such as loyalty, compatibility and kindness. Dogs frequently offer kind words and useful advice, always listening and lending a shoulder when necessary. Dogs often become deeply involved in others’ lives and are sometimes perceived as nosy. Ensuring others are happy is more important to the Dog than wealth, money or success.

Dogs are determined individuals; always wanting to master a new subject before moving on and always finishing what they start. Dogs value friendships; they’re loyal, honest, trustworthy and reliable and have strong morals and ethics.

A well-kept, organized home is very important. Keeping a clean home and helping at work stems from the Dog’s need to be active and involved. Dogs spend money wisely, passing on luxury goods in favor of practical items. Dogs also prefer saving money to cover future expenses.

Dogs at times can also be temperamental, narrow-minded and stubborn. When this happens, the Dog takes off alone in order to make things right again inside its head. Dogs can benefit by learning to relax and being more rational. (- this is what i'm trying to teach him, already!)

Health
A happy Dog is a healthy Dog and it’s easy to tell by the Dog’s sad or depressed appearance that it’s not feeling right. Dogs are resilient, especially when fighting illness.

Relationships
Although Dogs are trustworthy, they have trouble trusting others. It can take a long time before a Dog feels at ease with another person. When Dogs don’t build trust they’re judgmental and rough towards others.

When it comes to romance Dogs often have a tough time. Others are often scared off by the Dog’s insecure, worrisome and frequently anxious nature. Dogs are known to be cold emotionally and critical.

Career
Coworkers can always count on Dogs to help out, especially if it means the Dog will learn something new or alleviate the workload of others. Dogs are seen as valuable employees. Good career choices for Dogs include: police officer, scientist, counselor, interior designer, professor, politician, priest, nurse, clerk and Judge.

(no musician?? hopefully he'll transcend this horoscope here then.
although i do like the sound of politician, if his politics are good..)

Fire Dogs are true leaders. Others enjoy being in the company of Fire Dogs. They’re sexually attractive, charismatic, vibrant and confident and they always prefer to be on the go.
(- this bit is all totally true!!!
as for the sexually attractive part, well it's obviously too soon to tell, but older girls are always falling all over him)

some little tears

sometimes i miss things so much i feel a literal heartache.
i miss old friends....

a couple of years back, when i was really really active in church (like my church community was all the community i had), we had a little bible study group, 5 women all up, and we became incredibly close, sharing everything and anything, and talking and laughing and eating chocolate for hours; some weeks we'd get together every few days. and we loved each other dearly.

we still love each other now, but our lives simply moved us on, as people got married, moved away, had children(!).. we simply aren't in that phase of life where we can really walk together in life, as it were, merely keep in touch.

it was just such a lovely time... and i feel grief for the passing of it.
my heart is not made to let go of loved ones, it does not understand the concept of seasons and a time for everything, it does not stop loving.

interestingly,

ribena is made by glaxo smith-kline. you know, big pharmaceutical.

interesting huh? like maybe, drinking ribena may make you eventually more prone to needing pharmaceutical drugs?
AND they also make toothpaste and other products for teeth sensitised by gum disease and thinned enamel. and a denture adhesive.

interesting!

maybe i should stop drinking ribena. i did buy a juicer after all, why don't i use that?

it's 2am, i'm up... so i'll blog, why not

i would, more often, if i felt i could post all sorts of random crap and one-liners. but i figure if i can't be bothered going through the signing in to post it, then it's probably not even worth someone else reading it.

anyway...

today's beautiful moment..
dandan and i on the trampoline. we fall over, we look at the sky, we kick our legs in the air, he inquires about the clouds. it's an amazing view, from that very exact spot on our trampoline. the sky is always much bluer from there, the clouds ridiculously fluffier and white, the leaves and branches from my lovely tree forming a perfect edge to that picture.
he's finally learnt the joys of lying back and looking up. i had to push him over a few times and make lots of "oooh, beauuutiful sky" sounds to get us here today.

then he put on my red shoes, and ran around the trampoline in wobbly exultant circles. super cute, i laughed so much. i wonder if as an adult, he'll probably always associate a strange joyous mirth with cross dressing, and wonder where that came from.
i don't know that it would be such a bad thing if he were to grow up a cross dresser? i'm sure his dad would have other thoughts on this.

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and we have blueberries! i netted them and am leaving them on to increase in sweetness. what a bounty!

and my no-not-dead-after-all report is really taking off, to my great astonishment. i almost feel like bacchus or some other god of growing abundance, or like nalin. maybe it's cos i started the charlie carp, on her good advice..

The No-Not-Dead-After-All report :
- a potted blueberry which i let dry out and die, all brown and crispy - when i sat it in a dish of water and cut all the dead bits off, has completely revived and thrived, all bushy and green, new branches and all!
- some potted roses (yay for reservoir self-watering pots), were so dead that i took all the excess soil out for something else. i had left the rootball soil intact just-in-case - and it paid off, cos it's a full rosebush again, with actual roses and everything! and i didn't do anything... the wonder of it all.
- gladioli which i actually bought and tenderly planted the bulbs of; had yielded nothing except some weak stems, not to speak of flowers. that was over a year ago, and one had even flopped over onto the footpath and was constantly nagging at us with its "i'm SO dead, pull me up, you're always stepping on my corpse anyway, you're such a failure".
well i never got around to pulling that up, and wonders of wonders, it's perked up again so miraculously, it's like popeye and his spinach pump. AND, some of them are flowering, full multi level spears of blue gladioli flowers! i'm gobsmacked.

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on the flip side,
you're right, clel, i was assenting as soon as i read your comment, but didn't really know how to express a suitable reaction.
and what do i do about it anyway?

i don't know who i am, i don't know how to answer those perpetually nagging unrest questions. i feel like i'm perpetually seeking an identity, which sucks as i fall across so many different types.
i have eco values and thoughts, but i'm also a rabid consumer. i'm AP, but i have too many prams. i'm AP, but i leave my child to work in an office. i believe in wholefoods and raw foods in theory, but i eat crap. i feel strongly against vaxing my child, but i feel like i'm sitting on the brink of rushing out in a few months and getting him vaxed for everything anyway. i love parklands and trees, and i love the city streets. i have feminist values and ideals, but i don't know how to fit any of that into my actual relationship.

and while i work that out (what do i actually believe? what do i actually choose for myself?), i wonder about how i'm connecting with people and whether this has much to do with it.

i've always wondered a lot about how i'm connecting with people. it's being so introverted, combined with not having a strong value or sense of self/identity.
i was going to say that it's a tricky combination, but i guess whether extrovert or introvert, any person needs to be grounded from a place where they know who they are and what their value is, internally..
i really feel that need greatly, and can feel how unhinged and insecure i am (or any person would be) without that.

since a child, i've always craved external feedback, people telling me who i was, what i was like, and what value they perceived in me.
(a more emotionally complex version of "good girl" i suppose!)
i craved it, sought it.. and actually, got it a lot, even when not sought.
i was fantabulous in school without ever trying (in fact i worked very hard at not trying, because my value was in being naturally high achieving without working at all. which is how i bombed so dramatically at uni, you don't get very far there without working. i'm pretty sure alfie and his like talk about how praise sets you up for a greater fear of failure.. i lived that).
and friends, people i cared about, people i admired, have in the past all spoken of me glowingly. people have loved me, liked me, thought i was amazing.
and whevenever they did, i could feel a little something inside me relax and smile and go "ahhhh".. like receiving a fix of some drug.
but like an addict, that high would only last a short while, and i would soon be left feeling as hungry and empty and shaky as i ever was.

(it's very interesting too, as a side note, how i then married someone who accepts and loves me just as i am, but who never notices or mentions or displays any appreciativeness of my slightest attribute or feature or person).

i desperately need to develop, at my core, and by myself, a strong sureness of - this is who i am, and this is why i'm fantastic.

it's interesting that this is all resurfacing now... for the first time in my life, i had a real holiday from these demons, in the way of motherhood. every question was answered resoundingly by my motherhood of my baby, every need was slaked and filled. i guess i always knew it was temporary, so i'm not disappointed... just glad to have had that time of quiet.
and while i'm still suffused with joy of my child and still sure of what kind of mother i essentially am, i still am faced with the task of coming to love myself.