right now (from a letter to a friend)

Life has been pretty full on, with work 1-2 a week with early starts and full days in the city; but mostly cos of how full on dan is. I’m just starting to get a handle on toddler parenting.. and finally am beginning to really enjoy it.

For some reason, I guess because dan and I are both so emotionally intense, and because I never properly learnt how to deal with my strong emotions (ie have lots of internal and sometimes external tantrums/melt downs), he and I just really keep setting each other off.
Every time he started to get upset about something (ie every few minutes), I would just collapse inside right away. And even though I tried to hide it, I’m sure he sensed it and got more upset (cos Andrew could always tell, in his words I would "bristle" silently).

Anyway I finally worked out that I was taking his upsets too personally (ie was saying to myself "noo!! why are you doing this to me!"), and also fearing that strong emotions would harm/damage him.
Instead of just realising that this is something he's going through, and needs my help learning how to deal with, and is growing emotionally stronger and wiser through this.

So I think we're finally there! It’s been a million times easier now that I’ve finally got this part. Being emotionally drained is so.. emotionally draining.
And it was really draining our marriage too. I still don't know how we can find our way back to having a decent/good relationship... but at least it's not a warzone at home anymore.

what you're saying about feeling lost and searching etc; I’ve been feeling these things too!
I think as our babies are "all growned up" now, and we're starting to pass that intense trench-parenting phase, we're starting to look around and wonder what we /our life is supposed to be about now.
These last few months I’ve been seeking too.... From thinking all the time about what sort of church I want/need, to finding women whose approaches to life and parenting I find inspiring and encouraging and can relate with.

I totally agree with what you said, about motherhood having changed us forever, and we can't just resume and pick up where we left off pre-baby. But we're so much more now than we used to be, think of how much we've gone through and how much our hearts have expanded (and focused).

what you were saying about worrying about not doing the right thing by her; this seems to be SUCH a theme in motherhood. I’m so the same way too. I’m trying to learn this: to trust yourself more, and find people who encourage you in this; to look at your child for feedback - are they happy, inquisitive, learning, growing, loved; and to remind yourself that you're a wonderful mother (yes, you are!).