clingy...

just putting it out there as i feel so tired right now, and need some perspective..

he's soo clingy.. i literally cannot walk a few steps away from him without him fussing or panicking, all day..
which means that unless i made a dash for it, racing and panicking, while he fusses and cries, i cannot even pop my food from the fridge to the microwave, or get to my ringing phone, or grab a jacket, or do any sort of housework at all.
(i can't involve him in my housework as he gets so into it as to make it un-doable. if i tried to sling him during housework he would squirm out and insist on getting into it..)

so, all i do, all day, is sit near him while he plays.
it's really draining, as he's been that way ever since a month old, and he's 16mo now, and it's been non stop. and today i feel resentful and self-pitying.

some days / most days i just give in to the moment and enjoy our time together and we have a great time... but today, i'm so tired. and the house is such a mess, only partially unpacked from our move in november, and my soul's really craving a harmonious environment and a rest from all this makeshift messiness. even when i have time off and to myself, all i can do is sit there and slump into the couch..

i've done everything by the AP book as far as i can tell.. i've slung him, boobed constantly, approached his many strong and quick emotions with gentle guidance.

so, what happened? i'm tired of being the only AP mum around who's coincidentally also got the clingiest highest-needs (but happiest) kid who's always groping at my breast and never eating.

(that's my other gripe today.. he boobs constantly, we're still bfing 3-4 times a night, several times a day, and for the first and last 20mins of every nap...
and he eats so precious little, at best 2 to 3 bites of food a day, despite my offering and offering.
the not eating worries me, and i feel drained by all the boobing)

is it because a couple of times i've ducked into the other room while he was occupied to get something done (or not heard him right away after a nap), and not heard him cry until he was sobbing for me? this has only happened maybe 6 times his entire life... though it feels like a reason, to me.

or because he goes to his grandmothers' a few times every week and i leave him there? he usually separates well, sometimes he will fuss for me not to leave but stops right after and then is very happy, and is always happy to go there..

is it because he, like me, finds our physical home environment unharmonious and so stresses him out on some deeper level? he does seem to be much worse at home than other indoor places, much more demanding and dissatisfied and grouchy, needing the distance between he and i to be considerably reduced (which is surprising! you would think that it's the opposite), and much much less likely to play on his own.

this makes me hate our home... =(

or, what??
i keep reminding myself of the principles of AP and that he'll be happier and more independent in time... but at this moment....
tired.

eta.. feeling better now, he woke from his nap and gave me lots of kisses when i asked, and we played and laughed.. and he ate some banana.

21may
this morning i woke up exhausted and needing a sleep-in even though i went to bed at the same time as him. we just woke so many times at night for such hungry big feeds..

my boobs feel slightly sore and def empty, he sucks and pulls /claws on them so hard with his hands. it feels literally and emotionally draining, and i wish he would just eat some food to slake that hunger instead of desperately trying to feel it with bmilk.

and he whinges so much when he wants something, is so insistent and doesn't drop the demand without escalating. so i wonder if i give in too much or focus on him too much or pander too much to his whims
(like that jean liedloff article.. do i focus on him too much? maybe i should be firm and insist that he go along with the family's flow rather than all of us to his?)

with almost losing it.. whenever that happens, i pop the tv on. i figure it's a better alternative to violence..

right now it just feels ridiculously hard!!! so, so many of you have been through it and survived, yeah? but, i still feel like... how can it be so hard, for everyone, for so long, it seems an unreasonable state of affairs?!! did it always use to be like this, for humans?

and how then, after 3 to 5 long years of this, do you then go on and have another child, say yes i'll sign up for ANOTHER 3-5 years of this?
i do very much want more children some day, but, if there's a real chance they might also be like this i just don't know if i could survive it!

but so far most people's experiences seem to be that they only have one child like this??

deep breath..

NB: previously posted elsewhere