i just witnessed domestic violence, and did nothing..
this still feels very bizarre, and i'm still processing it... but i think the gist of it is that: i witnessed domestic violence, and did nothing..
so dan and i were at a playground yesterday just before twilight. 2 other mums were there with their single children. they obviously were strangers who had just begun to make preliminary interested-in-getting-acquainted small talk. i ignore them and proceed to play w dan.
mum A says to mum B - can you watch my daughter for just a minute, i need to pass my husband the keys. mum B assents, mum A runs off. i think - how bizarre, and run lots of abduction-scenarios in my head. anyway it's fine and mum A runs back in a minute.
and 2 minutes later, her husband pulls up at the kerb, leaps out of his car, and starts yelling complaints about the marriage without any preamble. this marriage sucks, you control everything, you control all the money, i never get to see my daughter, you're so selfish, etc etc.
as soon as i hear him i go into my standard defense, which is - become invisible. i make sure i'm turned away, make my posture nonchalant, and play w dan as if no one's around.
they carry on in the background, mum A is obviously embarassed and shouts back occasionally things like - no, you're controlling, you're the one that.. etc. he's carrying on some more - get back home right now or it's over.
he leaves w squealing tyres as she leaves the playground w her daughter. mum B tries to catch my eye w jumping eyebrows and a smile to have a goss about it, but i ignore her and recoil at her bad taste.
mum A returns w her daughter in a few mins, and starts explaining things to mum B - yeah, we're having arguments, etc.
then her husband comes back, car squeals in, he leaps out, and he resumes shouting as if he never left, but more passionately now - why can't you be a proper woman, your bags are on the street, etc.
i'd just told dan earlier that he was having his last slide before we left, so we start to walk, but he's fascinated by the shouting, and so he leads me by the hand and we walk toward them - because my brain has turned off. i find myself standing in the last place i want to be - with my toddler, right in a little group of 3 women, and a crazy shouting large man.
he's so close to me that at one stage i shift aside so that he can walk past me. dan's staring opened mouth at the shouting man, i'm holding dan's hand, and my whole body and face are averted. all i'm aware of is to become invisible and not make eye contact.
at some point mum B calls out - your daughter's run off. and our little group look up and see mum A's daughter 100m away, running backwards from the playground, face full of fear and distress. she pauses, this 3 year old girl.
then i hear a thud and i know that he's hit her. there's a brief silence; i finally wake up, pick dan up, put him in the pram, and start walking without buckling him in. i hear mum A start shouting about how she'll call the cops, and he carries on shouting - i don't give a rat's arse, your bags are on the street, etc. i keep walking and pray no one sees me.
at some point i must have turned back, cos i remember seeing his face - eyes bulging and popping, big man. small red car. he drives away.
i get into my car, dan looks at me with curiosity and tries to talk about what we just saw/heard. i tell him that was a bad man, and that was a very bad thing that happened.... and trail off. i'm shaking. we drive back.
i become aware of having placed my child in danger, and done nothing. that he trusted me to keep him safe and not bring him into any danger; and yet i was by his side and he was in danger. i had let my 16mo baby take my hand, and let him lead us into a dangerous bad shouty place.
and that if that man had had a gun or decided to harm his wife, i and my child were standing right beside his wife, with another woman and child, in a lonely place.
i start wondering about the woman, and what she'll do now, and if i should go back and offer to be a witness. then i decide that as i didn't actually see it my testimony would be worthless; and that the other woman would most certainly offer her involvement, and that would be sufficient. and that i'd driven off already, anyway.
now i'm wondering what happened. did she go back and get her bags? where would she go? she was a foreigner with very little english, he was aussie. is she safe? is her daughter with her? is she safe? where are they now? did she file a report, with mum B's witness?
i wish i wish i went back then.
or maybe i wish i wish i'd walked away much sooner and been far away when the violence happened.
i keep thinking about how in that moment i failed my child.. i keep remembering his soft hand leading mine, and later his curious eyes and his little voice verbalising questions. so trusting.. it breaks my heart.
but thank god i got the chance to learn from it.
i'm so surprised at my failing, my weakness to act, my checking-out. why did i go blank, and my brain stop? (okay if i were to analyse it, it's probably from coming from a family home where there were constant loud and very angry verbal fights between my parents. my dad probably hit mum once or twice when i was a toddler. but certainly the shouting and hate was always present.)
i wish there was something i could do, now. as he drove past me i memorised his number plate though i couldn't work out what good it'd do; and promptly forgot it.
i could go back and see if she turns up again; but what if she doesn't, and what does that mean then anyway.
DH says it probably would've been much better if i had left much sooner and not become involved at any stage. but that if he were there he would certainly (and would have to) intervene.
not sure where to go from here.. still wondering about her/them.
NB: previously posted elsewhere
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