unfashionable confessions

- i like microwave lasagne more than real lasagne

- i'm too cheap to buy actual tupperware, though i would have a roomful if i were rich.

- i think it's okay to cheat at school. adults do it at work after all, all the time, in much dirtier and unfair ways. i just don't have the moral sense that tells me it's wrong. ditto stealing from rich people/corporations.

- for many years, if i could stalk my ex boyfriend with full video camera etc, i would have.

- i get enraged at people who throw good things away instead of giving them to op-shops or other people.
i consider it the height of arrogance of the wealthy, both against people who have less, and against the earth (given the environmental cost of manufacturing an object). i would physically hit them if i could.

- same with people who don't share my beliefs simply because they haven't bothered thinking about them, especially where it has an impact on someone else - ie parenting choices, environmental issues.
i judge them harshly, and i think they should suffer some immediate personal penalty rather than letting their children/environment bear it down the track.

- i go mad at bad spelling or lazy grammar. i literally begin to lose my mind.

- i LOVE watching Wife Swap. DH gets so irritated by having to have reality TV on at home, but i think it's just the most profound and fascinating bit of social research, eg differing values of life, marriage, male/female roles, etc..

- i don't usually like movies, but also can happily spend hours watching crap tv. in fact sometimes i feel it's all i would do with my life, if allowed to.

- also, i too often find social interactions difficult, tiring, scary/painful.

- i only wear bonds hipster brief panties because any pair i pick out of a drawerful is going to fit exactly the same way on me, no surprises.

- i only wear panties if i think there's a good chance someone might see up my skirt. much more often that not i'm just pantyless.

- i find i generally only like to have sex when i'm actually fertile, eg around ovulation before we had the baby, and not at all when pg or with a young baby, and gradually more now that baby's 10mo..

- i wish DH would go and sleep in a room of his own, so that i can cosleep in a big bed and stay up late reading without feeling bad.

- i've always longed for the hobby farm / artist commune life - fields, trees, dogs, sheep and spinning, cows and cheesemaking, herb and fruit garden, semi-commercial kitchen making preserves etc to sell, pottery studio...
but, i discovered i don't like to do pottery, actual gardening tasks, dog training or animal husbandry. i'm lazy with things i don't love to do..
though i do love cooking, knitting, and having a garden.
and somehow we found ourselves living in total ticky-tacky suburbia, 550sqm house plot and 20sq house. we're here to stay now, so i don't know how to balance the dream with the reality..

- i have tendencies to overshop. it's not the buying that thrills me, it's the having.. hoarding things makes me feel safe and rich and full, but thinking about our credit card debt and lack of space makes me ill. appalling.

- i used to be obsessed with beautiful shoes, and have a truckload. beautiful handmade designer sparkley high heeled shoes. but, i find them too painful to wear; if i do i spend half the night barefoot. i spend 99% of my time wearing the same pair of battered blackened sneakers.

- i was a bit of a cutter when i was younger.

- i think Tolkein is the greatest genius who ever lived and that unis should offer the study of middle earth as they do the actual earth.

- i often feel very self-conscious being asian in a predominantly caucasian community. especially as there seems to be no other crunchy asians around..
perhaps it's just a fact of having different races with significant differences in appearance. but i often feel that life and social interactions would be easier if i weren't of a different race.
bearing in mind though, that this comes from being naturally shy/introverted, and being raised as a UK expat in Singapore despite being Singaporean by heritage to begin with, and then moving to Australia in the midst of my teens, so i've always felt like a foreigner out of place.

- i've always had this big empty space inside of me which i've tried to fill with the wrong things.. but having the baby has really filled it. i wonder if this is a bad thing or may lead to unhealthy parenting... but for now, i'm happier than i ever dreamed of being.

- i am a bit obsessed with cloth nappies, even if they do catch poo, they do it better than sposies, which is the whole point right? i think it's a natural obsession which builds on how we feel about tactile beauty plus our affection for how cute our babies are.

- i secretly don't enjoy babywearing alot of the time, ie when it's been over an hour and we're still shopping and i'm aching and i want to try on dresses/clothes. if i've also got lots of shopping to carry, i want to cry, and i would spend $1500 on a pram if they could guarantee that dandan would stay in it happily.

although i do love being able to kiss his head so often. and he looks super cute from that angle, his big eyes looking around all the time. and i do like the contact. i just wish he didn't weigh so much.

- if i were rich, i would hire a nanny to play with dandan nearby so that i could do things for myself. or fetch me drinks and massage my feet when i'm holding dandan. OH GOD i wish i were rich. if i could, i would be massaged all day every day for the rest of my life.

- if DH let me, i would say "fuck" around my child, and let him say it too. i think the only thing wrong with swearing is that your schoolteachers and employers aren't happy with it.

- i was raised by my dad to be a power-career woman; probably as a result, i've never had a proper non-casual job, and am at the start of my 2nd uni degree. i have a huge fear of failure and having to prove myself, and suspect that as a result have hidden in academia and now motherhood. so i feel like a bit of a failure for not having worked properly. although i'm loving motherhood more than i imagine it's ever possible to love a career, and i wouldn't miss this for the world..

- and probably the most appalling confession ever - i'm actually a christian! although i hate almost everything about the actual christian culture.
but despite fighting it my whole life, i finally accept that i do believe in a redemptive and loving God (with male AND female qualities).

NB: previously posted elsewhere