Sunday, April 5, 2009

dandan wants people...

the poor love... he's been saying this a lot recently, sadly asking for people.

recently it was our o/s guests that he became so attached to (even from when we were in singapore, and saw them daily). while they were still here, on nights where they had to go out without us, he would sob and say to me pleadingly "i want uncle ronald..".

thankfully, since they've left (and we keep reenacting our farewells and the fact of their plane ride and now being in singapore), he's not sadly asked for them.. just mentioned them daily at various random moments, named them one by one.

and today, while we were trampolining in the front garden, he saw a little boy alight from a car along the street. he urgently asked me to help him get down, then he ran to the pavement calling "boy! boy!". but he was too late.. the boy and his grandma had walked into their house, and were gone. i can still see dandan standing there holding the stem of our standard rose, peering out sadly, then pleading with me almost crying "i want boy, mummy, i want boy!...."

THEN, tonight we go to a family dinner at my mum's, and have a great time; lots of older cousins playing great games with him, lots of aunts looking longingly at him and hoping for kisses (at several moments, he randomly appoints one person from the group to be the beneficiary of a hug/kiss... often not the person most wanting it, interestingly).
we leave happily and normally, but on the drive home he cries out again sadly "people! mummy, i want people!..."

i guess it's about dealing with endings and leavings... but my heart breaks for his little one.
i even consider whether i should have another baby just to give him a sibling..

instead, i resolve to bring him to many more regular playgroups..
(there're just so many dodgy ones to avoid, though, in terms of how the adults treat/approach the children; or in the effects that even brief companionship of some children can have on him, perhaps having been parented a certain way)

off to look at our weekly calendar..

everything's turning around..

today felt like such a key point in our lives...

it's the first weekend since our o/s guests left, and we just stayed in and rehauled the living room; moved around the furniture for a completely new layout (more spacious and open plan-y) (and, i now surf the net on my couch!!).

and i wrapped up a couple of things that i'm posting to new homes (including a pram that i sold for more than i bought it for, wow)

and, i made a whole paella! it's almost done now.. chicken chorizo paella (sans saffron :( ). lots of chorizo...

but, here's the key - dandan was with us THE WHOLE TIME. i actually got all this done with him here in the very midst of us! stunning, huh?
we've always had to send him away before, in order to get the slightest thing accomplished.. but now, he's here amongst it all, happy and involved in his various games, letting us actually work while he plays around us! he even helps, the darling one.
it's so as life should be..

i've noticed this new turn of things recently. i even have been bringing him shopping, groceries and trawling several shops even, with a high degree of success and enjoyment.

and he's so sweet in the car now, mostly going into his carseat perfectly happily.. some of the things he does while we're driving is:
- drawing / whiteboard and marker, musical objects, stickers;
- just sings softly to himself
- dances to the music playing (and looks embarrassed when he catches me looking at him and smiling);
- looks out the window (we moved his seat next to the window, maybe that helped things?);
- talks to me about things (super cuuute);
- sing together with me (we have this game where he presents me with lyrics to make into a song; he's also starting to make up his own songs now too).

and last week i just WALKED OFF AND TOOK A SHOWER without announcing it to anyone, as he was hanging around with andrew; didn't make sure A would be alright, didn't warn dandan.... and i had my whole shower without anyone coming to find me. i just went and took a shower. just like that.

i feel like i've been released from some inhuman constraint.. and i'm so glad. i've always felt so bad and conflicted, having to send him away from me and missing him the whole time, while i shopped/cleaned/slept/bathed.

so we're finally starting to live life properly. like human beings. no longer simply surviving like wild animals, but actually making and maintaining a nicer life..

along that trend, a significant development. last week (we were on our way to meet our guests for dinner in town), andrew finally spoke up about our relationship. after probably a year and a half of relationship shutdown and zero relationship-talk, finally, the subject broached. just on the heels of a fortnight ago, where i'd started googling for divorce / asset division / custody information after a short tense and bitter fight..

it was very brief. but we established that we thought an effort was worthwhile, that we weren't at the giving-up stage yet, and that we should talk about our relationship.

since then we haven't had a chance to talk yet.. i still feel unwilling / unable to be emotionally vulnerable after this bitter and cold year, i just don't trust him that way right now, anymore.
plus, when do people talk, when there's a child around?
when he's with us?, in the car or playing or watching tv? after he sleeps? (he's been sleeping at 10-11 recently, i think it's time to try to drop his single nap). when driving to/from work? i've been trying to find a time for us to talk, but just don't see a place where it fits.

anyway.. it's a good development. i think just us both knowing the other still wants a real relationship, is a big thing in itself and a start.

Friday, April 3, 2009

hmm, SCHOOL

i actually found myself maybe signing dan up for kindergarten!

i ordinarily would be full tilt against it, and love the whole natural learning / radical unschooling thing. but i think this place may be pretty special..

it starts next year, two 2.5 hour sessions a week, which i'll join in with until dan's happy for me to leave. i'm ready for that..

as to the why, well, no matter how cool my home/unschooling plan, i'm starting to accept that i just want/need a certain amount of time away from parenting, provided he's not being compromised at the time.
(of course arguably he might be subject to a certain amount of compromise when with his grandmothers.. but that's also another story which centres around wanting him to have a strong connection with them)

and yes maybe i also just needed somewhere for dan to attend twice a week to get my mum off my back about kinder waiting lists.

so i toured it yesterday and spoke to a kinder teacher and a support staff person, and they just gave all the right answers. plus the kids looked happy and calm and absorbed in their various activities..

here're some of the right "answers" -

- the only schedule through the day is an overall one of: inside vs outside time, lunch time, nap time.
other than that, the teachers determine the activities for the day based on what the children are showing interest in at that moment.. so the day's activities are moment-to-moment guided by the children's interests.

- nothing is compulsory - if a child doesn't want to participate in the group's activities, but want to be off on their own or do their own thing, that is supported (even in her own words: "if they're absorbed in a project of their own, we would definitely value that over joining the group").
the child is only invited and encouraged from time to time to rejoin the group, but otherwise nothing coercive or negative is expressed, and they're perfectly happy for him to spend all day doing his own thing in any of the various spaces (even if he wanted to be indoors while everyone was outdoors).

- there is no "NO", in regards to undesirable behaviour, only a positive instructioning on how one should act, instead of what one shouldn't do (eg chairs are for sitting; we touch each other gently; we use our indoor voices here; etc).
and even gentle "stop"s are used sparingly, and never used in a chain, because of the negative impact that has on the child; instead the child is redirected towards another activity or space in a situation where a chain of stops is starting to become necessary.

- i asked what their approach is on praise and affirmation, and in her 5 minutes of talking there was no "good boy/girl"; she spoke of inviting the child to think about the specialness of what they had done/made (eg "how do you feel about xyz"); and her examples of praise were very "I" based ("I like the colours you've used").

- there is no formal teaching of alphabets and numbers (charts, chanting, exercise sheets? ugh); instead, only games and songs of which letters and numbers are a part.

- parents/grandparents etc are welcome to be there, in fact one parent is rostered to participate in every session, more are welcome at any time.

- they try to have as much outdoor time as possible, cos kids just love it / need it.

some other things i saw that i liked:

- the continuity between indoor/outdoor spaces: heaps of window walls, big sliding entryway to outside, so you can always see trees/sky etc, and the outside is always right there.

- there was a child without a hat, outside, despite it being a hot day - clearly this is not in itself a good thing, but it shows that they're not absolute dictators about the rules. i would, conversely, hate to see a child sitting on a bench under the shade because he'd forgotten his hat that day, while everyone else played, even if it's good sun policy.

- no shouting teachers, no string of called out instructions and cautions, no pushy over-involvement.
(none of: "michael! stop that! kayla, be careful! jack, stay where i can see you!")
in fact i heard very little; teachers all spoke in normal calm voices, all hanging around the children companionably and non-intrusively.

- that the children seemed to have the right proportion of invested energy; often children i've observed in other places or playgrounds seem to have an excess of undirected energy; or conversely too much might be being asked of them or too much stimulation imposed; i like to see quiet absorption / purposeful noise, and a calm purposeful vibe in general.

- no gold star charts (!!) or the like.

- this is maybe a reggio thing, but there's little "reports" written up and hung outside for parents, where they talk about what they explored that day, the observations of the children about their latest object of interest (eg a lizard)

- and of course, tons of cool stations that dan couldn't wait to get into (and in fact did, right away); the cool outdoor play stuff, and inside lots of colouring/art, books, dollhouses.. i had to drag him away!

and of course, being around all the other children, which he just lives for.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

an interesting follow on to yesterday's unschooling thoughts -
today we went to a kindergym for the first time. the space and equipment were great, and later in the free play session dandan would have a ball;
but the class session, whooboy! i was dumbstruck by the amount of control exerted over and expected from the children.. all of whom complied.
sit here, don't talk, watch this; do this, then this, then this, in this way. now stand, now go do it.
for a session devoted to physical activity, there was an surprising amount of quiet sitting and watching required.

and then, at the end of the session, the kids had to sit in a circle, feet crossed, (and not tucked under the parachute they were sitting around), with their hands on their heads palms down. so that the instructor could go around the circle, and stamp each obedient hand with a "good" stamp. literally. freaking unbelievable.
ironically, in adults this would be considered cultish or brainwashed behaviour. or what we'd expect from prison inmates. it's the stuff of futuristic sci fi horror a la Orson welles' 1982.

thank goodness that by then dandan had long checked out of the group, i don't know if i would have wanted him to be sitting obediently there with his hands on his head waiting for the Stamp of Approval.

from the instructor's pov, dandan was a big Fail for this class. she was constantly trying to get him to stop what he was doing and come back to the group, and barraging him with commands (not instructions, these were very clearly Commands) to which he replied NO! to every one. good on him.

this one child had chucked it, and his mum took him out for a while. she brought him back in later apologising that he had "lost it" but was now ready to join in;
he was now totally subdued and compliant, and obediently did all the activities meant for his enrichment, with a broken spirit and the remnants of his tears drying on his now-passive face.

so this reminds me why i don't want him in conventional school. because he's not a prisoner or in the army. and i do want his spirit intact thanks.

it's just ridiculous.

say it in pictures

i've gone and added some pics to recent (especially the travel ones) as well as older posts;
i've tagged all of them with "pics included" so you can pull up only posts with photos, if you want (they're usually the non-whingy posts too), using the tags menu lower down on the left (or clicking the tag at the end of this post).

=)

the darwin bit of our trip

darwin was HUUmid! and when someone who's just come from singapore says that, you know it's got to be true.
it wasn't even that hot, but moving around made you instantly sluggish and sweaty and longing for a/c.

but it was nice having our own space after scunging off relatives. we got this cool 4 star hotel for $80 a night (rack rate of $250) from wotif... very lush.

darwin's an interesting place. absolutely nothing to do in the town centre, incredibly non-happening as they say, except think about the aboriginal folk wandering the streets and lounging in doorways.

the food was mostly awful though, in the town centre, i suppose catering to the backpackers comprising the majority of the population there. coming from singapore, this threw me into the food-blues.. i ended up eating ravioli from a can and cream cheese triangles in our hotel room, which was surprisingly quite nice.

*but we did go to a nice and swanky place; A had barramundi, i had wagyu rissoles, and dandan was a beyond perfect dining companion (thank you colouring book):

*continuing the fish theme; here we are with our darling little rented car ($33 a day with baby seat!) fishing on the wharf, in the rain, at sunset. lots of people came along for the same reason; it was a really nice vibe. dan spent almost the whole time playing in the car, i guess water all looks the same, especially when it's physically quite far away and untouchable:

*these are the only remotely darwin-y looking pictures we have. the soil is literally red! (more apparent IRL):
^(no, i don't know why i'm looking so goofily)


*and this was a highlight of our little darwin trip; hundreds of fish turning up for a daily feeding; you get to touch them, they eat out of your hand and nibble your fingers!, and they flash in and out of your legs in the water.. dandan had such a blast:

*and a close second for favourite outing: the crocodile park, which had dandan saying "coc-o-dai-yl!" for days afterward.
it looks very cage-d, but apparently this park is run by the conservationists, and is vital to conservation (public education, breeding, farming, education of farmers who would otherwise kill their eggs, etc)
the croc really does leap at astonishing speed, up several metres. even though we were expecting him to do so, we still jumped when it happened. and his jaws make a big "pop" sound as they bang together, from the air escaping so rapidly. scary stuff.

but this little guy was fun. i feel bad for him, but well, dandan had a blast tickling him. (this is after i gave dan a bath with a bottle of water, in the public bathroom. he was ridiculously sweaty..)

but the art bit of it was very cool. we trawled all the galleries - they're co-ops, working directly with local artists and communities, and the art starts from very affordable entry level prices of like $60 upward (for the unknown or lesser-names of the aboriginal art scene); some of them had the artists themselves working there or even running the gallery.

this is a local resident at one of the art co-ops.
he was funny at first, nuzzling against A and licking the salt off his skin, but then he got reeeally insistent, and scratched at A when he tried to get away! also scary stuff. but cute.

*and this is at a hotel lobby we stopped at for their a/c, and to get some sweat off our skin with a facewasher we rinsed with a bottle of water. classy. we didn't even order anything from the bar.
how cool is this setup though:

Monday, March 16, 2009

what we did on our holidays, con't.

(just edited)

in singapore, we stayed at A's aunts' home, a teeny tiny flat above with an insanely large and beautiful palm-fringed pool.
think resort pool; all undulating lines, curving around corners (it took 5 mins to walk along the waterline from one end to the other), rounded nooks and eddies; a bar set within the pool itself, secret tiny bubbling spas hidden under palm trees, wooden loungers and big umbrellas; a "mountain" concealing a big water slide. a big toddler pool and splashy area with big pipes gushing jets and curtains of water you could run in and out of.
and behind said fringe of palm trees, 2 little playgrounds at either end to choose from, as well as several balinese huts.
(why did i not take any pictures of this???)

it was lovely. every morning we'd pop downstairs to take in this tropical paradise, set ourselves up at a deck chair with the breakfast we'd bought at the local shops, then splash around with dandan - "me monkey! me fish!"
dan only had 2 baths in the 10 days we were there, most days i brought bath wash down with us, and would surreptitiously wash him while he was swimming and playing with the poolside showers (it was a very unchlorinated pool, i guess being private and all).
although, oops, he turned down swimming a few times in the latter half of the trip, in favour of the playground.. maybe he cottoned on to it? pool = bath.. =(

it was hot though. blagh, i hate hot weather. it makes everything tiring.. walking from the apartment to the local shops to get breakfast, though first thing in the morning, made us sluggish and sweaty and a bit grumpy.

but the food was sooo goood.
in fact, i'm writing this now because i saw some ad on tv with some hawker food, and it made me grumpy. why do we live here and not there? there's literally nowhere here to get a decent approximation of most of my favourite things. imagine having to wait to fly to a faraway country, once a year at best, just to satisfy a craving...

like goreng pisang, soft sweet gooey sugar banana deep fried with an impossibly crispy and fluffy crust (the urban legend is that they melt plastic PET bottles into the cooking oil. surely there's some way to find out for sure?).

or my favourites, all which seem to involve being grilled over an open charcoal flame, and fanned with a woven heart-shaped fan (colourful plastic strips or dried banana leaves) by a sweaty man in a sarong and string singlet.
like otak, spicy fish meat mixture wrapped in banana leaf. satay, sweet and tender and spicy meat. sting ray atop a banana leaf covered with a thick layer pungent sambal; you use chopsticks to scrape off the thin layer of delicious stringy meat off the dense comb of sturdy bones.

dandan loved the food too.
*he demolished a whole plate of pappadums one night (each one as big as his head);
(in little india (we're about to have fish head curry)):

and he developed such a taste of kueh (soft jelly like cakes made with coconut milk) that he asked for them no matter where he went.
but only the green ones (kueh talam) - "dreen duay!"; so much so that, well, the contents of his nappy ended up a bright green smushiness. although that could have been the change in local germs.
and the rainbow layer kuehs; you can peel off one stretchy layer at a time, each one a different colour f the rainbow. he only ever wanted green and purple (he could be tricked with blue), leaving the rest discarded.
or the paus (steamed rice flour buns with filling); the green one with sweet pandan flavoured filling, or the light purple one with sweet yam filling.

we didn't get the camera out very much, so there's a lot we'll just have to remember.

*here he is on the plane (with the sticker book that literally saved our holiday, daily):
*at the science centre with the boys:

*the bird park (much too big a park / too many birds for one little boy, despite there being a monorail, but the aviary was fun.. biggest aviary in the something something):

this is inside the biggest aviary in the something-something. you can't even see the mesh of the gigantic tent..:^(these guys were eating out of a cup from my hand, but it freaked me out a bit so i put it down, after which they pushed it over. dandan kept saying worriedly for ages
"cup fall down! birdy fall down!". i think he thought the birds had fallen with it...)

treetops walk! we're VERY high up, this are the tops of tall trees.. and this bridge sways.. very Perils of Penelope Pitstop:

and this very special one - dandan took this picture! all by himself! and this is just one in a whole series of perfectly framed pictures (well 90% of them anyway).
if i do say so myself, he is a genius:

*at the night safari at the zoo (i saw a bull elephant 15ms away! dancing and swaying significantly in the silent darkness). no pictures unfortunately, but there was this indonesian fire dance show (with fire-eating!!, fire blowing-from-mouth; fire twirling, and loincloths galore):

*the water playground with leaping jets of water atop a gigantic mall. i thought this warranted a whole day of our holiday - there're dozens of jets, along the whole stretch of concrete you can see in this pic, all spurting to some cool rhythm:



*and uncle ronald's magical car:
(this is taken at the northern most point of the island, one of the few undeveloped pockets left; looking over to malaysia across the narrow strip of water)


*and dandan hanging with the boys he absolutely lost his heart to. he followed them all around at every opportunity, and hugged and kissed them all at every farewell.
here they are having a cigarette break :| after dinner:
^p/s - note the open air eating places with lots of space to run around? THIS is why families with children can eat out in asia, where they can't in australia (apart from fast food places with playgrounds). garh!

*and on a side note, visiting my uncle who has lung cancer and a prognosis of a few months. he spent a lot of time caring for me when i was dan's age, so i wanted to visit him especially:

ain't this the sweetest thing!: