dumped by new housemate. 12 hours after being dumped (properly, final-ly, this time) by my partner.

OUCH.

the latter because of my ridiculously pervasive self-hate. and also the resulting inability to engage with life fearlessly, or with my mind, apparently.

ironically, my self-loathing (and its associated fears and doubts) is currently more supported and affirmed than ever ever before. i feel abjectly a failure, intrinsically inadequate, and so on and so miserably forth.

anyway. the former probably for the best. while the kids were getting along and being a sunshiney part of D’s life, their mum, who i had thought was a conscious and considered parent, turned out to be a constant top-of-lungs yeller, hurling self-absorbed / hair-trigger impatient / controlling and disrespectful / shame-based put-downs, at full volume, almost constantly, in the (50%) time the kids are even around, day and night. it would’ve been awful for the baby to have come into this. even D said “even though it’s not about us, it still makes my heart sad”. beautiful little dear-heart boy.

it’s soo strange and ridiculous to me. she’s such an espouser of organic produce, ecofriendly products, natural birth, feminism, sexual equality and anti-discrimination. what’s the fucking point of buying wooden toys and organic food if you’re going to fill your child’s heart with fear and shame and humiliation and rejection all through the goddamned day? fucking hypocrite.

i may be a fish-finger serving, coles-shopping, plastic toy-buying nut, but i am so considered and conscious about D’s self-respect and heart. i cherish so much more the superlatively-many times a day we hug and kiss and explain and learn and gently-guide and overtly appreciate…

anyway, so, new house.

i’m searching through, and applying for both alone / housemate situations. places just for me and my children, vs plus another single mum with her child/ren for communal-esque living and playing.

i’ve started emailing with someone for the latter. and saw a whole bunch of places today for the former.

like this small apartment - 2nd floor, lovely views from the window over rooftops and merri creek. 1br. a communal landing outside the door, at the far end of the complex so is fairly quiet/semi private; could make a small play area there. a lovely large secluded garden at the back of the complex. can walk to merri creek. $210 a week.

hmm….