i've been on the verge of tears all day, and fully in tears twice.
i'm not coping with parenting. dan's not coping with having a mother who is so often absent, and then who shouts at him.
i shouted at him, because he was continually whingeing and crying over something not happening fast enough on his computer game. and again, when he cried because he'd forgotten to carry out his usual check-driveway routine before he got into the car. and again, when he kept asking for his juice to be rewarmed again for the tenth time.
when i shout, he screams, covers his ears, and erupts into a gail of wailing tears, "too loud! i'm scared! i don't want you to be loud!".
i'm the worst person in the world. i don't deserve him, and he deserves so much more than this. i'm on the verge of knowing that he'd be better off without me - certainly he'd be better off with a normal person for a mother.

and then, i hug him, say sorry, cry together in arms, and then i tell him i have to go to work. he says "i don't want you to go, i like you so much" etc. and i die inside again.

how many times can you die inside before you're completely broken?
and the brokenness, guilt, anger, sadness, leads to more of the same, makes you walk on that edge that spills over into more shouting at your young son.

inside, i'm like a pane of safety glass that is already crazed with fault lines. everytime he goes into a bout of whingeing and crying over the trivialest thing, it's like a hammer and i literally crack and shatter inside.
today when he was crying in the car over not having carried out his driveway routine, i put my hands over my eyes and cried out "stop please just stop please stop please stop please stop please stop!", which made him cry even louder. i know how easy it would've been for me just to calmly rewalk him through his driveway routine, but inside me all there was, was a sobbing mess.

i'm not coping. i don't know what to do. i feel completely broken, and heartbroken.