blue

i am blue... blue, blue blue.

that sounds right, but not really so visually. blue's a nice colour, rich and deep and calm and sure.
i am some murky shade of green with purple swirls and lots of grey hazing.
i am whatever colour existential angst is.

now this is all a bit of a blast from the past..
i have always gotten the existential angsts big time.. almost a physical pain from them. like teething pain i imagine.
of course, motherhood, when it turned up, completely bowled me over, and knocked me sideways into a beautiful rich world. and part of the reason i'm so incredibly chuffed with my baby, is that the many clamoring voices and the yawning hungry chasms finally were silenced and filled with the sound of bells.

and granted, even these days, now that the angsts have returned and i feel like a homeless person, i still find some peace when i'm with him.

and yet.

it's a yucky thing, the Existential Angst.
i've always had such big questions that, you know, eat away at your insides and leave you with no peace. the questions you get late at night when it's quiet and dark. such as.. i want more. but what? there has to be more. but where? and how? there has to be more, there has to be more. and then i lie there investigating all these different threads of possibilities, living virtual lives stretching away into the future and hoping to find happier endings. in the end my conclusion is always the same, that it all seems like mighty big gambles from where i'm sitting now.

often, over the years, it has been the one question. should i leave my relationship? over the last 12 years, since i was 17, this question has seldom gone away, even when i did finally pack up and leave for a little while (one month).
i have never managed to get an answer, other than - maybe, or maybe not; surely i must; surely i must not.

these same questions, same answers, endlessly; the only constants are the sick feeling of dread accompanying either yes or no.
i feel so stuck.

the best answer, would be - yes, but not like this. if i could keep this little home together but also have a partner who was more... more of someone with whom i didn't always feel so lonely and unhappy and as if i was missing out on the adventure of life, life itself.